Winter days..

I just realized that time is passing by so quickly and I'm feeling so alone already. I hate knowing that after these couple of weeks of being with Matt are going to soon be only a memory. Kind of like how Christmas is. An anti-climatic celebration of happiness, but I don't feel so happy for some reason. I've suddenly caved into my own hole, I'm surprised though because I've been so happy for the past month. And now I'm so emotional that it's driving me crazy. Maybe it's because the year is going to end and I have to be afraid of the future as I get older like a silly little kid. Ugh, I honestly shouldn't be so selfish. I hate just thinking about the things that make me sad because it makes me more sad. I'm thankful for the friends I've got and the most amazing boyfriend with a loving family that adores me. I've got it all, and the perfect parents that love me so much as well. And to show them how much I love them so, I got them [well, Shawn and I] 8Gb ipod nano's which was pretty sweet. I felt really giving this year. It didn't feel like it was all about me, it just felt like I wanted to see the shine in my parent's eyes again. They took us to Disney in the beginning of the month to top Christmas, and it was so damn magical that I felt so happy that I could cry. So, in order to see them really happy, I got them something they didn't expect. But they got me something I didn't expect! Rockband 2. So now my family and I are going to rock out. These are the days I want to cherish for the rest of my life. I love them and I love the people who love me.
Maybe I'm so sad because I miss Neenie so much...well how funny, this day 2 years ago she passed away. And I'm feeling the same way I did that night before she died.
Neenie is Matt's Great Grandma and I loved her to pieces. I just hope she is watching over us...
This year was really sad, so many deaths of people close to us. I just hate it so much. But we have to deal.

I just don't look forward to going to College again all by myself.
I hope I get into UCF, cause I really really want to be with Matt and Cesar and Dexter.

Hopefully I will make the best of this winter break that's left..

Stress relief.

I feel so relaxed...so blessed...so relieved...

All of the secrets I held inside because I realized it was mistakes I made, like when I had a crush on Matt K., and when I started to talk to Josh again- the people that I realized would end up biting me in the ass. I bottled up inside of me, and today I couldn't take it anymore. I fessed up to Matt T. and I told him everything. And it wasn't as bad as I thought because he told me that he was glad that I told him and now it doesn't matter anymore. There are no secrets. No regrets. No nothing. A huge weight lifted from my shoulders and together we can move on and be happy. This made me realize that Matt is the one for me and we belong together.
I'm happy, he's happy, we're happy.



Finally. I feel free yet loved at the same time.

Life is good, Christmas is here and it's time to spend time with the family.

More changing...

What an obnoxious liar. To look at me in the face and to tell me what a great friend I am, and how much I will be missed once he is in Iraq, with stupid tears falling from my eyes. I can't believe I fell for that 'trick', you know the one where your friends tell you how much they care about you, then the next it's like they don't talk to you anymore and you suddenly fell off the face of the earth. And when you DO see them, it's like you don't even exist. So technically what was the point of looking at me and telling me all of those things to me? I know what it is, it's some game life is throwing at me. Important people making me feel important and then being tossed aside like yesterday's old lettuce. I'm pretty much tired of this game; I've tried so hard to be friends again with the ones who just can't seem to connect with me again and I've given up. How many times have I told myself this?! If you aren't in my life now then there is no point in you being in my life in the future. Damn, that's harsh. I'm just so damn frustrated. One minute I feel like I have all of the friends I can handle, and then the next a few slip from my grasp. Maybe something is wrong about me? Maybe there is something about me that no one likes...I could change, yet that defeats the purpose of being me. But I promise I won't cry if I face him again.
And if I want to cry, I'll look towards the one person who looks over me and protects me with his life, Matt, and he will hold me and make me feel better. I don't want to seem selfish but I feel as though I am, and I'm apologizing to myself and to those around me. I'm basically going to have to change, but for the better of myself and my well being. Other than that, I'm pretty much over it.

Overview on the movie Twilight.

I have waited about three years for the novel "Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer to become a live action movie. And here, on November 21, 2008 the wait was officially over. I didn't decide to see the movie on opening night due to the fact that I was already annoyed over fanatic girls screaming over a fictional character that they just read in the same book. This annoyance only overcame me because Twilight was never popular, I felt as though it was an "underground" novel where there were a few thousand girls across the globe that were falling in love with the book and story itself. But soon as the trailers started running and the news hit televisions all over it was a mass spread- like a disease that couldn't be contained. Everywhere I looked there was a Twilight this and a Twilight that. I saw why some people weren't even interested, this movie would be the next Harry Potter. And my friends, although I am a devoted fan of Stephenie Meyer from day one this movie does not even compare to a Harry Potter movie.
I was completely disappointed that the movie wasn't as thorough as the book was. (Then again, books are always better than movies and who ever wrote the script had to turn a 700 page book into a 180 page script)
Besides that little flaw, the movie was actually good. They could have chosen better actors and actresses to play the part, but the way they portrayed Bella Swan and Edward Cullen's personalities, I swear it was like watching my imagination come to life right in front of me on screen. It was quite impressive, besides the fact that Matt had to point out about 10 times that Robert Pattinson was wearing lipstick the whole time that had me laughing.
I'll say that it wasn't a big waste of time and a movie I am definitely going to see again and again and own when out on dvd.

I would go into greater detail about the movie but I have to study for my final that is in about 14 hours.

Much Love! <3

Another day...

It's been awhile since I've been on here, lots of events have happened and are happening. I've been contacting UCF for the past 5 days and I am afraid that the students I have talked to think that I'm some college obsessed freak! Really I'm not! I'm just really persistent when it comes to getting accepting into the college of my dreams! Seriously, I just want to continue my education at the University of Central Florida. What can I say? The professors are amazing and the vicinity is vast and full of learning potential. I'll actually enjoy being there rather than dreading it (since I now dread going to class at Broward College these days) ::Sigh::
I already re-activated my application and I really hope they look through it thoroughly and effectively to see that I have much potential to be a successful student. It just drives me mad that I'm overlooked because my test scores aren't off the chart! My grades and High School GPA certainly is! Once I get my college grades I'm submitting my college transcripts next to my official high school transcripts to show that I'm a competitive student! I strive for good grades and getting B's are not on my 'to do' list.
Now with that off my chest I'm just relieved to have Matt home and here to help me with my own days of stress. Swimming and playing around is just what I need from my college life.
Tomorrow we are going to see Twilight which I hear is amazing! I can't wait, I've waited 3 years of my life for this day!
Ah, I'm going to wake up early and just enjoy the sun and school then Matt :]

Goodnight.

Old memories..

I came across this while scrounging around in my closet along with other papers of interest. This one seemed like something I could put on here. Although the poem itself needs some work, I am assuming I wrote this awhile back since there is some terrible associations.. But don't let that judge before you read it, so have an open mind about it.


-Domi


Princess


So hun tell me how it's like to be me?
Since you know everything
Dare you to show me sympathy?
Just because what you've seen and heard
doesn't necessarily mean you had to spread words.

Obviously, you didn't realize that I'm smart
And I can see how much you are torn apart
Just because your name wasn't on that list
Why couldn't you just resist?

Or forget the fact that sometimes you are not who you say you are
I can see through your lies like a falling star.
But familiarly we can all see who you really are.

Long black locks
Piercing brown eyes that shock
That also keep men in a lock.
Your wicked lips
Rip
Boys hearts in two
yet I can see through

A perfect Barbie doll
who appears to be so tall
but isn't happy at all
with a heart so small...

You are a hopeless romantic
Frantic
Of your demise
But to your surprise
I hold my hand to you
and tell you that I cannot ever forget you.

I'm so sorry...

My legs are shaking..a part of me wants to just throw up..
I cannot believe that this is happening to my little brother...again.
Amanda, a little 15 year old Sophomore got shot today at Dillard High School. My old High School. Never in the 4 years of being there had something like this happen. I cannot believe someone would actually shoot someone and take their life away from them.
I just can't help but stare at my little brother and wonder what is going on in his head...I know he's so heartbroken.
Him and Amanda were such close friends, they both liked each other and he was going to ask her to be his girlfriend. It sucks so much to know that someone you like was ripped away from you by someone else...

I rushed to Dillard after Shawn pleaded for me to go and get him. I disobeyed all traffic laws and got there as soon as I could to be met with police officers and news crew surrounding the school. The entire school was on lock-down and I found my way in. I ran to the office and there I found over 30 parents standing outside waiting anxiously, the look of worry creased across their foreheads. "Did the girl die? Where is my child? What is going on?!" were the many questions of parents asking staff. No one knew if the girl died...until Mrs. Stanley came over the PA with an announcement. With the tears in her voice she read a letter she wrote to the whole student body.. "Students, today there has been a terrible tragedy, a student was shot and rushed to the hospital..."and before she announced the worst she choked up, you could hear the sobs and then she said "...where she died..." that was when everyone closed their eyes and tears fell silently. Mrs. Stanley finished her announcement and that was when I looked towards the door and walked away..
I leaned against the wall and tried to take it all in, I had to get my brother home. That was when I rushed to the classroom he was in and picked him up. After I got him I had to see Mr. Calder and Mr. Euler, for some reason they are the light of any hope this school has left. The smiles on some faces and the anguish in others shook me.
It didn't sink in as of yet..

It did though when I was driving my brother home, his voice was together but then he burst into tears and said to me, "I need to see Granny." I nodded and rushed to where my Grandmother works. When we got there I never ever saw my brother run to someone the way he did today. He ran to my grandmother and into her arms he cried and cried and cried... I held both of them and cried with them. It just sucks so much to have this tragedy hit us. Even though I didn't know her, she still had a big part in my brother's life and I take that to the heart...
Shawn is going to need some counseling to get over this...
I think we all are...

It's just so hard to believe...

grown...up...?

I ran into an old friend the other day, it was quite a surprise.
We got to talk for about 10 minutes though because I was on my way to work.
But any who, I just remember him staring at me and saying, "You've grown up so much, it's insane as to how you are so radiant. You speak your mind and you say how you feel, it's perfect!" He also said that I have now become much more mature than the last time he saw me.

Which introduces to my blog title, "Growing Up"
It really is insane; when you do flashbacks of the drama, the heartbreaks, the rejections, the stress, the losses of friends, certain situations take tolls on people. They often take things that bring them down to their lowest point and slowly build them up, strongly and surely.
This brings me to the reason why I cut my hair so short on Friday.
In Japanese culture, when a woman ends a relationship, she cuts her hair. But with me, it isn't an end to an intimate relationship with someone. No, it is just the end of the old me. I decided that cutting off four inches of my hair would do me some good. Bring the lightness back into my face and make me feel much more alive. And I think it did, I've been feeling so beautiful.
Then today, I got my teeth whitened with that Zoom technology. My teeth are sparkling white, I don't think I could ever go back to Starbucks! *gasp*
With a confident smile and a new diva look [what my stylist said] I think I achieved my ultimate goal for this month. [Next to my 1500 on the SAT]...

I've noticed that my days seem a lot more grayer when Matt is not around, and it reflects back into my own daily life. Nothing screams "lonely" when you are sitting around moping that you couldn't do anything fun.
But with that being said, I think I'm going to read a book now since there really isn't anyone out there anymore to hang out with. A good drive is fun, but living at home isn't much when you want to do these things.
:-/


Well, I wanted to show you my haircut and white smile so here it is <3

An Emotional Landslide

“If there is anyone out there who doubts that America is a place where anything is possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.” President Barack Obama









If there is any way to describe tonight, it has got to be the word, "Finally!" What a change, what a country and Yes We Can. I finally feel connected to America, I feel like I am now a PART of America. A country we can all believe in, because change is a reality we can all face.
I became a part of history. I am a first time voter and my vote counted. I am proud of myself, proud of my friends who share the same views and proud of my country that decided our President.

338 - Barack Obama
156- John McCain

What a landslide.

I'm so overwhelmed with so many emotions, I want to cry, laugh and just kind of freak out on what's next.
Obama is a hero, my hero and so is Biden.

Finally, I know what the people in the 1960's were feeling when President Kennedy was in office. A new kind of freedom. Now I can sing the Star Spangled Banner with pride and understanding. The Pledge of Allegiance means so much more than it did two days ago.

God Bless America.
And good luck to us all <3

...Still Beautiful.

Hope.
That's what I've been holding onto.
Positivity.
Some of that too.
I am looking forward to so many things, and my dreams open doors for me.
I'm taking on all of the challenges, and climbing all of the mountains I see.
I'm trying so hard not to look back and just look towards what I have. Moving on is one of the hardest things I could do.
I feel like I'm growing up so fast that I can hardly stop and take a look around and see what I have become. Everyday I grow anxious to see him again, and then again I'm not so sure if I really am.
I know I have to go through some rainy days to see the sun shine again, and lately there have only been partly cloudy days with some sun.
Everyday I have is still beautiful.






Recap:
This past weekend was Halloween Weekend, full of rained out trick-or-treat-ers at the door wanting candy. Decked out in an Alice In Wonderland costume amused the young and provoked the old. But all in all, I've got to say the free burrito from Chipotle was well worth the gas I used up. Noelle, DJ and I went on a quest Friday afternoon as I picked them up from school. To Publix we went to purchase two 75 ft. of aluminum foil, to DJ's house where we made our outfits, till we reached our destination around 7pm.
The prize was a yummy tasty treat and I was still hungry after eating that, lol.
Saturday morning I took the SAT, I'm positive I will get into UCF. There is no doubt in my mind because I believe I am going to get in.
Work was pretty much the same, long and tiring. I can't get over what I found out though.
I've been pretty reminiscent these past couple of days, thanks to Jessica Simpson I can feel beautiful and keep on going with my life. It's not worth dwelling on, it's only worth confronting and then moving on.



Some Pictures for your entertainment:





As I did reviews, I slammed my head on my desk, looked up and saw this.



Noelle :]



DJ, lol.



Me as Alice <3

The Race.

I feel a bit deprived of my camera right now. I finally sent my Canon into the Canon shop to be repaired. I hope he isn't cold alone and lonely, but I am pretty sure he is making new friends with other defective cameras like him. But Canon's step brother and sister are here to the rescue, taking photos with a point and shoot method. They are not so bad, I just hope to have my camera back by Saturday after the SAT!
D:
Oh dear, I have been lacking in studying in the past 3 days...I really need to cram as much picking apart and pacing myself as I was the past couple of weeks. I am going to DJ's on Wednesday to do more practice but I really really really need to just ace this thing and get into UCF. My dream place to be! I'm really hoping for a 1560-1600 realistically. But my ideal goal would be a 2300. I could do it if I wanted to but it's seriously crunch time.

Besides me panicking about the SAT, I will celebrate Halloween by giving out candy to the little critters in my Alice costume. I did want to go to Laser Quest, but we have an All-Dayer for a group. I just might stop by in my costume to say Hi, that's about it though... I want to go trick-or-treating with a lot of others! I am looking for friends that are not doing anything that night. But I am going to be studying after I dress up and stuff..so it won't be a long night.
I'm excited and nervous all at the same time! I think it's time for a nice bubble bath after this blog!

In other random news...I am getting sick AGAIN, but it feels like a spotty sickness..
Like patchy showers popping up here and there, it's insane.
Ah! Robot Chicken is on..which means that it's after midnight! Crap!
Well, I just have a reminder for myself to finish the end of chapter questions, print out Mid-term exam tomorrow morning, write an opinion paper for government. Find a picture to draw in art class tomorrow, anddd find a research topic and write a 250 word proposal on it and finish argument essay [750-1,000 words]


Sounds like a lot but I can breeze through it! And off I go!

My Birthday Weekend <3

Birthdays are so much fun. But when you finally realize that you are 19, and have one more year of being a teenager, the onlooking road is quite scary...
I was at Matt's house after midnight on Friday, so Matt, Donna and Adam were the first to say "Happy Birthday!" and we celebrated that good hour into the day eating spaghetti noodles and watching the "Late Show" in the kitchen sitting on high stools with our feet dangling.
When I went home I passed out like that! *snaps* and woke up dead as dead can ever get. My Mommy came into my room saying "Happy Birthday Dom!" And then my phone wouldn't stop ringing and the texts flooded out my phone. It was nice to know some people remembered *is acting as if she never posted it on FB* How sweet...
Well, I basically wanted time to go by as fast as it could because I wanted to just get over to Plaster Carousel and have my party. So after driving my Mom's new Honda Pilot, helping my grandparents put beads on a chandelier and being chaotically swarmed with younger cousins, I tossed them into the SUV and drove back to my house and then my Mom, Dad and Brother were all ready to go to Plaster Carousel. Woo Hoo!
My Dad drove us as Serena, Bella and Jessica couldn't stop talking about who knows what. Just a bunch of gabs about who sucks at what, that was when Bella pulled my sunglasses off my face and put them on...immediately I scrambled for my camera while she made a pose and I took a snap. It is the most amazing photo ever and made everyone laugh!
After all the laughs we reached to our destination and from there the kids ran loose and paints were everywhere! But when Matt and all of my other friends came and Matt's Mom and Aunt it was this really funny but fun painting in kindergarten type scene.
My Dad took some pics and so did Sadia, I didn't have time to take any photos which makes me sad because I was trying to keep my cousins very happy and some of my friends. When it's your birthday it's hard to distribute the attention equally...
Soon after my party ended I went to Matt's house instead of my own with Amal, Miguel and Aaron. We all played war in his house with a Nerf gun as soon as Mike came over. It was SO much fun!
I must say it was as much fun as I'll ever have as I get older...

Even though there is so much else I want to say..I'm just too tired to even finish.
But that was my birthday! And I wouldn't have traded it for anything! <3

2 more days...till my birthday. Bring on the cake!

Me: "I should blog right now"
Noelle: "Doooo it, Live from a Robotics meeting!"
Me: "Lawl [really el oh elling] okay"

Not much really goin' on here... *doo dee doo doo...* I made a bunny, and named it Jeff Bunni. I showed DJ, lol. He said and I quote; "Damn all you artistic people!" :D
It made me laugh *insert Emile's laugh here*

I can't wait till my birthday :] Lots of paints and swimming going on...
Little kids running insanely around with paints on their hands, my pictures are going to come out AMAZING. I wish I got my Canon fixed though. :( My Mom has been busy with work and demoing the kitchen. And since she's been demoing the kitchen my party has to be at Plaster Carousel [the place to paint].
I am just going to look forward to some ice cream cake and presents.

Anyway, since there is nothing going on as of now except people walking around and boring me [except writing on Noelle's notes, well drawing really...] I'm going to go back to talking & I'll blog when I get home after class and after I celebrate my Mom's birthday.
Pictures will be up either here or on Flickr.

An essay for English

I wanted to share with you my essay on my most favorite place...
Here you go..

Calm quiet soothing silence, with embracing warmth dancing around and swirling behind curtains. No one dare to disturb, disrupt or even displease this moment of bliss. To create with a colorful pallet of imaginary thoughts, in control of the whispers and smiles, the freedom to dare or to speak the truth...In a state where I can return to anytime of the day and still enjoy thoughtless adventures. Secured by feathers twined with cotton, it is easy to breathe and calm myself in a state of unconsciousness. Sky blue surrounds the midnight sky, in a room that has been claimed by a human being. Not just any room, but a bedroom, a place where I belong and feel most comforted, a place where I claim all that is mine and have the luxury of doing what I please. Becoming the place that I favor the most among all things.

12 x 12, a perfect square room, painted sky blue across the wall with slight decor of fairies and flowers. The perfect fantasy for any child growing up, still my favorite place to be as I still grow. Within this vast space is a small desk next to a perfect square window, facing South. Not just any desk of fundamental potential to help enhance the human brain, a unique wooden desk that is the nest for books, sketchbooks and paints. An artist's domain. This is a part of my room I go to when I'm feeling down, creative or just in the mood to express myself. Locked in my fairytale land with a blank slate in front of me, the pallet of colors come to life and I create my own illusions. My eyes become wild with joy as I paint and create art that comes to life in my brain. My room, still calm and quiet, with soothing music of Claude Debussy in the background now. A faint and subtle sound of Classical notes that dance along the walls of my own bedroom that allow my fantasy on paper build to life.

Once complete, I find myself engaged in front of a tall mirror that sits on top of my Princess designed dresser. There where I stand next to my closet door and next to the same window facing West, I find freedom of speech and the freedom of imagination. For hours on end I would be locked up in my room and I would sing and act. Letting go of my most wild imaginations, allowing the vivid images get the best of me. Disney songs of Sleeping Beauty and the Little Mermaid run through every fiber of my being as I want to one day be like them. Enjoying the sweet sound of my own voice singing through, softly echoing against the walls of my domain and I stare at the envying girl reflected back at me. A smile spreads across my face and the girl in the mirror does the same. Another simple pleasure I enjoy in this moment of thoughtless adventure.

But when the sun says goodnight, and the stars come out to play, I retire to the most thankful invention on Earth. Secured by feathers that have been twined with cotton, my body is able to relax, breathe easy and calms me into a state of unconsciousness. My mattress molding my body within its pillow top fabric, I can feel my body slowly shutting down. Yet, my mind is still frenzied while it wraps up the day in its own way. I let the days events play in my mind as my bed does its job of slowing things down. Soon, calming quiet soothing silence fills the room with the exception of a humming air conditioner and stand up fan, my lullaby. Buried in a sea of pillows and downy sheets, the smell of Snuggle is invigorating and inviting, becoming a pleasant sedative as I am sung to sleep. Calm quiet soothing silence, with embracing warmth dancing around and swirling behind curtains. No one dare to disturb, disrupt or even displease this moment of bliss in a room that holds all the illusions of my imaginations. A place that will never disappear and will always be here for me, a precious bedroom that will always bring me into an apparition in time.

Music Soothes Some Souls..

With all that has been going on I have chosen these songs for saving my sadness..

If you can't stand this music while reading my blog you can of course turn it off, in the meantime I am going to be putting some music together for my blog, much like this..and others.
Don't hesitate to give me an opinion.

Make it all go away..

If I were in a movie, I would rather be the character in the scene where the girl runs away across the field and into the forest to get away, trees whizzing past in a blur, still she runs. Vampires linger in the night and she is not afraid of them, only afraid of what she is running away from. That boy who offers her his heart and cannot do anything about it, afraid of rejecting him, she runs. So far away...her long white dress runs behind her. The girl tries so hard not to get caught into anything as she keeps on running till she reaches her destination, the old broken bridge that crosses over a deep jagged river down below. Still pumping with panic and fear the girl makes a jump for it, ending everything what would have seem to be the ending of the scene, the movie, ending her life and ending the painful feeling of love. With a high piercing sound of splashes and gurgling noises, to her dismay.. Only to survive the fall and go on in agony physically and mentally in her heart. The blood won't stop escaping her body but her heart won't stop pumping till she is drained of everything...
Darkness swims behind her eye lids, her body is numb from the frigid cold water and lies still...

Mental Breakdown.

I've got problems. Some big problems. Problems I refuse to talk to Matt about, to my Mom about to anyone about, except you dearest blog..
Problems that I get sad so easily and I feel like I'm the only one in the world that can only help myself. I get sad and I cry so much because I feel so worthless, I think back on past memories and cry about them, I cry because it is a release of emotion that boils inside of me and I can never escape. I hate memories, I wish someone would wash away with the tears I have shed. It is so annoying and bothersome.
But then I am turned around by friends who say they care so much about me and stare into my, what they call "big brown depths that take them away" eyes that belong to me tear filled, flooding out it's shade and the place their hands on my shoulders and say to stop. They love the smile on my face, it is the most fascinating amusement. They find my words interesting, it's interesting to them how I view life and live it and my opinion based on it. How I deal with situations....
What do I do when I am torn? I cannot deal with anything anymore, I feel overwhelmed, I feel like I can't make an impression on people, I can't deal with trying to stand out when all I want to do is curl up and hide away somewhere else. I'm tired of being made fun of, I'm tired of being the weird girl that is annoying.
I can't stand it anymore. I CAN'T.
Words hurt, they pierce the skin and break the mentality of what I can withstand, I just can't deal with anything anymore. This is my breakdown, and I can't stand being who I am. I don't like me. I don't want to do this anymore..
And I think I will just curl up in a corner and die a little on the inside.
I can't fake the smile on my face, I can't try hard to be friends with people anymore. I'm done, it's done. But I'm a hypocrite, tomorrow i will smile and shrug off hurtful words, I will laugh at everything and laugh at the taunting.
The feeling will melt away and I will shed a tear, move on, and stay smiling.
I will cry on the inside and when I am away from the public, I will cry in my room over and over and over again like I do every night and wake up smiling..
It's the cycle that never ends.

And neither will I.

And..ACTION!

This life is getting way too annoying.
It's one big drama set on a TV for people to read and enjoy the pleasures of insane emotional bitchy people.
Friendships are just roller coasters of emotions, a time well spent or a time that was meant to be so miserable. Nothing feels right with the new friends I made, I just want my old ones back. But...the old ones are not in my life for a reason. Because they chose someone else over me, technically making them non-worthy friends. Everyone makes mistakes, so why penalize them for it? I don't talk to some people when I see them online, if there is nothing to talk about I call it online awkward-ness if I try to strike up some random form of conversation it just doesn't work.
I have a strange personality, I tend to dwell too much on one thing and that is what sends me spiraling down into this moody sadness. Quite pathetic, I know...
Yet, I am the type of girl that laughs at everything and anything. Matt says it's a kind of happiness that relaxes everyone and tensions are gone. But when I'm sad, it's like the clouds on a rainy day covering the sun.
I am not looking forward to a disappointing birthday when all I wanted to do was spend time with my friends who are probably not going to show up. So it'll be a birthday party with my boyfriend's family, and my family but no friends.
I hate that so much, I hate how I feel like I am losing that bond between them.
::sigh::
Oh well, I found my sunshine and I am going to hold onto it for a long time and I am never letting go like I did months ago.




P.S.- Tide-To-Go is the most AMAZING invention ever and works magically! :D

Set in Place.

Birthday invites were sent out VIA e-mail. Now all I have to do is sit and wait and wonder if it is even worth it. I already got a few who can't go so it kinda sucks.
It'll just end up being a really REALLY small get together.

All I probably will end up getting is a ton of colorful balloons [which I want] a cake [ice cream cake preferably & cupcakes] no confetti :(
cause that's hard to clean and pizza...
If anyone wants to bring rockband you can, we'll end up playing in my room most likely. So that means no shoes in my room :P
Damn, I have to remember to put away my fur carpet :-/
Anyway, then after we hang out for a bit we are gonna go to Plaster Carousel [An arts and crafts place to paint] my Mom is going to take us or my dad or whoever has a car.
That might end up being a maybe as to who wants to show up...my little cousins are going so that is a plus. I haven't seen them in a month :(
::sigh::
I hate this whole situation cause it just might end up being like last year: Crap!
I'm going to fold some clothes and study.
That's all these days off are good for..
Hmph..

wishful wishlist..

I gave it much thought and I only have a few things I want for my birthday...

1. Sesame Ellis Photoshop Basic Set. [the whole set as seen here]

2. Sleeping Beauty DVD

3. Canon Rebel XT Macro Lens [seen here]

4. Canon Rebel XT Wide Angle Lens [seen here]

5. A Malti-Poo Puppy [much like this one]

6. A trip to Magic Kingdom - Disney.

7. Borders Gift Card

8. Target Gift Card

9. Forever 21 Gift Card

10. A Photographer to take pictures of ME for once...


See..all things are expensive. I told my parents I didn't want anything except my friends and family with me for my birthday.
If they can show up on my birthday at my house at 2pm then I will be truly happy.

Oh! And I made a list when I was playing with my tablet..



I have terrible Tablet handwriting :(

Oh and I want Edward Cullen
And I want Twilight to come out soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Birthday Plans?

Yesterday I realized my birthday is coming up...

Birthday plans have been talked about and hopefully will soon be set in stone. I was originally going to be away for the majority of my birthday weekend up in Orlando, but after a very long but successful talk with my Mom she wanted me to stay so we could spend time together.
Instead, the week after I am going up to Orlando with my Mom, brother and maybe some of his friends to go to IOA for HHN. But I am going to spend time with my Mom and maybe Matt over near Downtown Disney. I really want to buy some Minnie ears so I can wear them all over the place and take some amazing photos.
Anyway, for my birthday I am not going to really do anything big. I just want some friends over and maybe head over to Plaster Carousel, not as a party but as a big painting group get together. I only have 4 of my friends and 3 family members going to this because I sure do loveeee to paint. I hope Noelle gets to go because I can only get to Plaster Carousel around 2 or 3pm.
Maybe if they wanted to we can do something else but I am not sure yet. All I know is that we are all going to be at my house for something hopefully fun.

I'm a bit stressed out when it comes to going to work tomorrow to talk to Deadrick about me missing the Crew Meeting, but it's something that is already set in stone so there isn't anything he can do about it. I can't change the day or anything and I apologize for any inconvenience to the group.

Other than that, I need to take my camera in to Best Buy tomorrow so they can fix the software problem it's been having for months. A little cleavage and some brains never hurt anyone a part of the Geek Squad to fix my Canon Rebel XT EOS. It's my baby and I want it back before I head up to Disney. So I have to be "attracted" to in order to get my way and I know the attention it deserves. I got a defective camera and off it goes back to Canon for a fix.

Hmm..
I think I am going to start a birthday wish list soon...
So keep up to date for the things I want, lol.
I have to save the most expensive things for myself because I am not going to be held responsible for being a spoiled brat. If that makes any sense, whatsoever.

Hmm..but after tomorrow I have a long weekend ahead of me since I have no class on Thursday. But I do have to work..
Ugh..


Only 11 more days though! :]

Woo, that's a lot to take in...

Today at work was a longgggg one. A very long one..6 hours isn't so bad but it takes a toll on my feet especially with no break in between running through games.
I think that made me have some growing pains, I grew a half an inch.
I'm so close to 5'4, it's really insane but it makes me laugh. lol, I earned $20 today by a party dad who said I did such a good job with his 6-7 year old kids. That party was HUGE and I guess it was the fact that I was so enthusiastic with the kids and I thoroughly explained how the game works, helped them get ready and I made an interactive game out of the activators they use to activate their lasers and putting it in the bucket thing[Vortex]. I just love my job, it's perfect for me.

Which reminds me, I can't wait to go to UCF and work at Disney, that is going to be a total dream come true <3

After work I came home and the sky looked VERY angry...I decided on getting food since I felt a bit deprived. Expecting a dinner you know after a long work day wasn't happening at my house.
I settled on Wendy's after Letitia told me she had food :( [I planned on going to Sushi but that didn't happen] so off I went in the pouring rain [the Gods were very very angry] I listened to Jessica Simpson [of course, DJ would have a laugh] the whole way which made me happy :)
She has made me feel so inspired to do things I was once afraid to do, but with the help of Matt. I've learned to be vicious somewhat to boys and to tell them to back off. I'm so proud of myself because now I'm the one with the upper hand instead of feeling like some helpless kid cornered by a pedophile rapist that might make me succumb to their evil schemes. Maybe that's a bit much...but you caught my drift...

Besides that, I'm very happy to be me and a part of me doesn't care anymore if people don't end up liking who I am. I'm so past that and basically those people just won't see what they're missing out on! A friend like me isn't like that girl you met next door the other day. :P
Maybe I'm a bit full of myself but I'm just bouncing with happiness that it can't be taken from me.

I've been hacking up my lungs lately but that's not slowing me down! :D


I talked to Kenny about two nights ago and he wanted to know if I was going to Tempest in Tampa and I don't know if I am. He really wanted me to go, I guess he misses me. It'd be cool to go but, sadly since it's around after my birthday I probably won't go since I might visit Matt up at UCF.
And a tiny trip to Disney never hurt anyone but it's all ifs and maybes. :(

Orlando was in the plans though for the weekend of my birthday because Screamfest is that exact weekend. Since this Plaster Carousel idea is really iffy and the fact that I don't have enough money to pay for everyone I don't think I'm going to do it anymore.
Plus, everyone is busy with their jobs and school tests that it probably won't work out that great anyway.
It's funny and kinda sad how my birthday finally lands on a Saturday and I can't do anything about it :(
And since my parents are practically tearing down our kitchen to re-do it a party at my house is out of the question.

I need some birthday ideas.
Maybe a big party at Starbucks lol
Hah, like that would go over well.

I wish Twilight would come out this month, that could have been something to do.
*Shrugs*
Going to HHN wouldn't be so bad either, I've never been there before..
I need some birthday ideas! D:
Gimme some!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Music: Andrew W.K. -It's time to Party

Mood: Thinking

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I forgot to mention, I went to the beach yesterday with Azzy, strange right?
We ended up getting past the "He likes me" phase with some help from Matt and finally had a normal day of just friends hanging out.
This is Azzy by the way...;

A tweek in fantasy.

The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep
I need to tell you
Goodnight

When we're together, I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue
I can't look away
As we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me

Domi, marry me
Promise you'll stay with me
Oh you don't have to ask me
You know you're all that I live for
You know I'd die just to hold you
Stay with you
Somehow I'll show you
That you are my night sky
I've always been right behind you
Now I'll always be right beside you

So many nights I cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me, I love myself
I never thought I would say this
I never thought there'd be
You
...

I need a You & I day.

"Lay in bed with the TV on, all day long if you wanted to.."

-Jessica Simpson's "You're My Sunday"

I feel like I'm being toyed with...
one minute I'm put together and then the next I'm just all over the place. Life is seriously taking its toll, yet a part of me is in god awful wonder. There is so much to say but not enough time nor can I find the words to speak of what I want to say.
I wish there could be a way to zap memories from my brain willingly rather than get in an accident and have amnesia.
I'm not liking this point in time right now and it's going to take awhile to get accustomed to it, or maybe it's going to annoy me till I can run away.
What I really want to do to get the message out and thrown across the table, so I found away I can express myself and that is through my new found love for music and singing.
I've been writing how I've been feeling lately and I want to make them into poems, songs and then soon sing them out loud and record it.
Maybe the pain is still in my veins and I want to cry all the time. I just want a hug and a smile and a way to make it all go away. Placing a wall between us, that I've been doing isn't working and it's only making the pain worse. Now it's hard to be away from you and it can't be that way.
I have someone and I can't hurt them again, but my heart is tearing itself apart and I just wish I could scream and fight and want you to see me but it won't work.
Every time I think of you, it used to be easy to forget but the pain is working it's way back to my heart.
If I didn't fall in love with you then things would have been easier to forget.

Life is like a hurricane.

Unclear thoughts
blurred from the mind
What I'd do to go back
and take you back as mine.

I'm always missing you
you're always on my mind.
I think it's a sin..
to think of you back as mine..

Clear blue skies
warm sunny days
running along the beach sand
your eyes glittering from the sun rays.

Shining eyes felt like they belonged to me,
that loving stare..
always made me feel like I was melting in.

Your soft skin on mine,
I never wanted you to leave.

Till that day,
the memories faded into the sunset.


I watched you walk away..
never to come back again.
But how I wished you had come back here
but I can't stand how you still are under my skin..

Tears filled my eyes,
I never stopped crying..
memories of you
just can't see to start dyin'


I shouldn't think of you of mine..
yet I still do..
what a silly way to think of you as mine..
Yet, I would do it too
if you'd want me to be yours
Yeah, I would do it again
Just so I could hold my heart close to yours..
and to just hold your hand..


[Edits will follow later..]

Vice Presidential Debate - here after though..

I had to just turn off the TV after an hour of listening in on the debate. It's not that I am not interested in it, it just gets frustrating when it ends up being a tennis match.
Governor Palin has messed up somewhat during this debate, she is clearly unaware of the majority of the issues being presented to her. She would stutter and clearly state the wrong answers in the midst of the debate. I have nothing against her, I just would have liked to see a woman who knew what was going on in the world and answer the questions much more clearer. Whereas Governor Biden is the same, he does answer questions related to the stated topics but him too seems to be playing tennis with Palin.
Don't get me wrong about who I am going to vote for, which I shall not state but a part of me wished that it didn't have to be such a racket ball competition. I know that's what a debate is all about, there are just too many issues at hand to consume all that is going on at this moment.
This blog probably didn't even make much sense anyway, lol.

Thoughtful..

Mood: Reflective sadness.
Music: Jessica Simpson- We might as well be making love

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Here is a more formal story to my day.
It basically consisted of work, studying and rain walking.

I've been sick since 2 days ago, but now my sore throat is gone, but my head is still spinning, sneezing has took place and the misery will soon follow after.
Besides this weird sickness that randomly came over me I have come to find something new I love.
There is something about singing that puts me in a new state of mind.
I'm loving every part of it because maybe that is what also help put my throat to rest.
And the fact that gum and mouth wash is the glory of all things..
I'm glad to at least be functioning tonight because last night I was really out of it.
Yesterday, I got super lucky that my English teacher didn't want to teach our class and sent us home early. So I drove home when the sun was still out at least...
Matt came over later that night to hang out with me. After giving me a bunch of Adam's Spider-man Comics we watched the David Letterman show, Family Guy, American Dad and then we watched my favorite show, True Blood. All on MY TV! :]
The episode was kind of gay because now it took a turning point of slowness.
I was really sick so Matt made me take Tylonol PM. Uh Oh, that knocked me out for the night. After my show ended he helped me brush my teeth [not really] and kind of tucked me into bed, I got up and locked the door. But I passed out after he called me and told me he was home.
That was a nice sleep at least...

Only to wake up and have to go to work, which I did.
It went by pretty fast cause I talked to Shawn the majority of the day about life and the way Laser Quest fundraises.
It was pretty cool, afterwards I went home and took my brother to his job and then went to class.
It sucked so much, pouring rain came down and flooded out the entire parking lot in front of the Performing Arts building. And since I was wearing a long skirt and flats, I had to think of something fast.
So, I pulled on my hoodie and took off my flats, stuffed them in my small bag and took my notes and shoved everything as well in my small bag and grabbed my umbrella. I strolled across the parking lot with my feet swishing through the cold water. It felt good even though I knew my feet would be dirty. That's why I took tissues with me to dry my feet, which I did.
My test took about 30 minutes to finish because Mr. Joseph did it as a group test.
Kind of odd and weird to explain it.

After my test I called Matt and headed over to his house [which was the longest drive of my life] for Rosh Hashana dinner. Once I got there there was so much stuff going on but it was pretty cool. I think his Dad is happy every time I step foot in the house, he's always smiling when he sees me. That makes me super happy to know I'm loved :D
Mike, Matt and I sat next to each other, with me in the middle when we had a long discussion with Matt's cousin, Lauren about a boy from our old high school named, Alan. Then we talked about the meaning of "Meandering" lol
That conversation was the funniest. Mike is way too funny, lol.
I think that conversation ended dinner. Mike and I made an agreement that Matt would be his at 9:30, but time went by way too fast and Mike and Matt started to play Halo 3, while I went on Matt's computer sifting through old pictures of me and him from when we first started dating..
There was so many different memories going through my head and I smiled the whole time.
I've come a long way when it came to Photography and our relationship. And the way I've changed. I feel so different. I feel like I'm someone new.
I love it. But at the same time I'm sad about it.


Oh well,
Anyways, Azzy kept on texting me and calling me. I complained to Matt about how it was really bothering me that he now was starting to act like he owned me and that pissed Matt off a lot that he called Azzy back [not being an asshole though] and said "Can you back off a little because Dom asked me to call you and tell you that. She can talk to you about this when SHE is ready, you don't need to be on her for anything." - That's all I heard but basically Azzy was being really pushy about me not talking to him so Matt kind of had to put him in his place. I did it really cause I texted him and told him to just back off and be my friend.
After our conversation he understood and we made an agreement to talk about our lives and have a better understanding of each other that way we can be better friends.
It's kind of weird but it seems to be working that way. And besides I have class with him tomorrow so we'll see how it goes.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

I suddenly feel so overwhelmed again with emotions.
Emotions that are basically a waste of my time.

Sometimes I find myself sitting on my floor, my head leaning against my bedroom wall above my bedroom window listening to Jessica Simpson's new CD.
This one song in particular makes me sing from my heart along with her..
called, "When I loved you like that"
It brings me back, way back to so many emotions. And a part of me wished I didn't have to feel it.
Now I'm sad because I wish Matt were here to just stay and keep me company.
It's so hard to be alone and on my own, I used to want to be free and learn how to love others.
I have learned that I can't deal with it, I can't fake myself and try hard to not make things awkward between me and a new person. It's hard to learn how to ease into a relationship again. But then, I could not help the one thing that was forever raging within me. It was my feelings and my love grew way too much when the other didn't grow so fast. Which was what made my fall harder than normal.
I had cried and lied to Matt about how I felt, and the reasons why I cried so much when the truth was behind my lips and through songs that reminded me of those times.
Now with him by my side it's easy to forget, but when alone I am reminded and it just bothers me so much..
Because that song "When I loved you like that" plays..
I just relive it over and over again. -Sometimes I wish you knew how I felt, and how I still feel.
Maybe time will tell how this fire in me will die slowly.
I want it to die so badly, I bet yours died already.
But I treasure so many people in so many ways, so my Gem can't be melted that easily.

A sickly run-on thought..

My heart remains where it's at, but my mind wanders with thoughts of you.
I feel like I'm falling away with you...
But you don't have me, no, you walk away from me.
Did you ever know the truth about how I felt?
Or did you think I told you everything?

Secrets locked away behind my lips
I felt my body tremble when you'd touch me with your fingertips.
There was no other feeling than the feelings I felt for you,
There once was love, now,
is forever gone.

I'm not sure if you ever knew how much I fell for you,
The swelling feeling in my heart made it explode.
And I finally fell apart..

I did it all for you-

-------------

I can't figure out a stupid melody or flow for this broken piece of music I've been writing up for the past 3 minutes.
Tomorrow I'm pretty sure Azzy is going to create a melody for it.
Oh wait, you have no idea what is going on now do you?

After much frustration with this boy who I had to basically tell to "fuck off" was done by me, with some pushing from Matt.
Hey it worked, now where do I begin?
Well, Azzy sings and plays guitar and piano. Pretty sweet right?
I might as well feel like I'm taking much advantage but I'm kinda not.
He heard me sing and said he wanted to hear me sing again. I used to suck but now with some singing lessons it's improved somewhat. lol
So I have been making up songs on how I've been feeling lately or just in the past. But the current feelings of love and betrayal run through my veins heavy and steady.
-That's a good line *writes that down*
lol, Besides that...
I've been thinking of Fundraising ideas at LQ for 108. :]
I hope they all love it cause I've been working hard on this! :]

I can barely type or make sentences make sense right now, another excuse for this is that I'm sick and I can't think straight.
So keeping this thought running I'll end it here...


But before I go I came across a picture on Matt's computer of me and my hand puppet, George.
This brings back so many memories when I used to work at Target back when I was 16.
All of my friends would laugh at me cause I'd play with it so much that even one of my co-workers bought it for me..
His name was George the Dragon and may he be resting in pieces in the dump somewhere on 95...

If I aint got nothin' to lose.

Mood: Irritated
Music: Andrew W.K.-She is beautiful

Oh my god, if it's one thing to have a friend who likes you to the point where you try really really hard to say; "I don't really like you"
Turns around and says "I want a relationship with you" It is super annoying!
No offense, the kid is super fun, cause we hung out today and had some super duper laughs. But I could tell he wanted me to say I liked him back.
I don't know what to do..
I just want to slam my head down on this desk over and over again!
What the hell do I do? I am not going to stop talking to him, that's super mean and plus Matt hasn't asked that of me yet...
Hmm..all I can do is just talk about Matt and make him think I'm not interested?
I didn't think this was going to come back to me..
But it makes me wonder;
Am I seeing this from someone else's perspective from when I went through this?
How ironic..

Yet he is moving back to New York and going back to Cornell University.
This kid is super smart, I have no idea why he even finds me the least bit attractive, I'm trying really hard to just make him dislike me but not in that kind of way.
Leaning on the friendship side.


Ugh!



In other life-news...
Matt came home today and oh god, he's hot! lol, I never realized it before but when I was walking the dog outside at Matt's house he pulled up music blasting and I looked at him and said; "Hey sexy! Whatchu doin around here?!"
He laughed but after he parked his car he hugged me so tightly that I felt like I was in the most perfect place.
There is no where I'd rather be than in Matt's arms, I feel perfect and it's a comfy match.
I love my Pumpkin head.

I bought him this Punisher comic book styled huge poster and it was the cutest thing to see his face light up [and his dad's..] they were both so ecstatic about it that I felt like I made the right choice in gift for him.
I love my boyfriend :]
And tomorrow after work around 7:30 is Domi-Day/Night
:D
Super stoked :D

<3



I'm pretty much floating around cloud 9 right now..

Hah :]

Out of the blue.

I am loved and will always find different kinds of love.

A boy from my school came to visit me at work today. It was really really weird, lol.
I was leaning on the wall in the crew room, mouth open ready to take a bite into my pineapple pizza from Papa Johns that Shawn bought [Shawn is the manager who flew in from Chicago] when i looked to my right and saw Azzy [the boy from school] standing right there staring at me with the biggest goofy smile ever on his face. It was quite embarrassing though, but amusing. I totally stumbled over my words and put down my pizza and walked towards him, asking him what he was doing here but then I forgot about our conversation yesterday...

[flashback:]

Before our teacher let us out of class yesterday, Azzy [pronounced Ozzy] who sits next to me in class leaned over and asked me if it was okay if he asked me a question after class. I said sure no big deal, not realizing what it could be.
So once our teacher let us out we stood in the hallway and looking up at him I asked him what was up.
Azzy looked at me dead in the face and kind of had a slight confident smile on and asked me if I could go out with him sometime. Immediately I smiled and tried really hard not to laugh, only because I should have saw it coming by the way he wanted to "ask" me something, I choked out the words, "As what?!"
Completely throwing him off and I think I made him feel terrible, so I then said, "As friends right? Because I have a boyfriend." So after that part of clearance, he said "Yeah, sure just to get to know each other better."
I felt bad for saying it so straight forward but it needed to be done

[end flashback]

I basically told him where I worked after we exchanged numbers so he could text me if he'd like [I'm seriously way too nice] and so it was obvious as to how he knew I was working.
We talked a little bit about work and stuff..I don't really remember much because it wasn't really much.
He looked a bit tense and I told him to loosen up cause I was already talking about everything about me. Azzy said he was trying but I could tell he was just nervous.
Well, time passed and I had to take in a group for a game so we said our goodbyes.
Later on during the night he sent me a text and said this;
[referring back to my text]

"You can't imagine how much it sucks that you have a bf lol
Don't take this the wrong way but I really like you."

What other wrong way could I have taken it?!
I didn't respond back and he was afraid he said too much, and as me being too nice I told him it was okay and it was no problem, but I did say to stop liking me because in the end he'd get hurt.
And it's happened to me before so I am just looking out for others to not get crushed as I did. I especially don't want it to be my fault.

But anyway, my assistant Manager, Shawn got a kick out of the guys trying to bark up my tree. Then again I've grown and learned a lot so I know how to scare them away. Somewhat and to convince them that friendship is the way to go.
Then again some don't want to be my friend cause the only purpose was to get in my pants. How gross.
Thank God I can see past it all.

I wish I could have some nice good tea, curl up in my bed and forget time existed and have the whole world love me for me and not hate me, while I read a book with nothing on my shoulders.
Maybe just maybe life would be good then.
Till then, who knows?




~~~~~~~~~~

I wanted to post this:
Me and Gustavo from yesterday. He said he loved how his hair looked. What a dork :P

Wishful Thinking...

I feel out of place, misplaced and scattered about. I have no idea where to look or what to think or even how to feel. My moment of actual bliss has faded and has faced me with the harsh reality that I can never have. My face is plastered to the glass wall that I constantly stare through towards the other side of what I wish I could have. But people are different and people will be people. Selfish, unreliable and complete liars. The sadness that spreads across my face cannot fade at the moment for anything. I thought for once things could work out and finally be cleared. I guess I thought wrong or I try way too hard. I feel pathetic trying to patch things up with so many people that the attempts are all of a sudden in vain and I feel worthless. My body pushes away from what saddens me so and I lean against the wall, dragging my body down to the floor. An empty space that could be filled. The empty space I called my future hope. It's dusty and nothing has appeared yet. I miss those old people who made me feel like I was worth something. The people or person who mattered a lot. Sobs just tear through me and again the loss feels pathetic. What a big mistake, the biggest mistake of my life. If only feelings didn't have to be so strong. If only there weren't others in my way of my goal. If only people could feel the way I feel now. Then maybe understandings could be crossed.
Too bad it might not happen.

Self-esteem has been brought down upon me and I feel like a mess. I can't help but hunch my shoulders and brace my head against my knees and close my eyes as the tears flow down my cheeks staining my jeans. Emotions are too much for me to handle. I wish there were some way of an escape. Just some way...

I just can't find it out there anymore...
If people weren't so fickle and untrue, then maybe I could find it. But I'm swimming in memories that it's tearing me apart. As much as I want to laugh, I cry instead. And I have to just hold onto what I have left and make the most of it. I don't want to lose anymore and be sad anymore. I want to smile and run across a field full of flowers and laugh holding hands with the people I love. Enjoying every minute of never ending happiness. Falling in love over and over with people I want to love. So much I want and more...
But I can only have a hand-full of what I have been given.

Yet, as I stare up at the stars I think of you and in-vision you. I wish I could see you and tell you about how much I miss you. Or talk about all the things I want to talk about or even listen to what they have to say. I just miss you and I wish you could come back.
But those are all wishes..and wishes might come true. Just might.
So in the meantime...
I'll just go on and keep on thinking of you but there is nothing I could honestly do.

In[somniac]sane Weekend.

Slight hallucinations aren't such a big deal once you jump in your bed and get as much rest as you possibly can.

I spent my entire Saturday night at my job. Pretty entertaining don't you think? Playing with a group of teenagers, some of skanky standards, even to pedophile level. I couldn't believe my eyes nor my ears when my assistant manager got a kick out of one of the mentors fake boobs. Boys will be boys.

This assistant manager actually lives in Chicago and just travels as an assistant manager from my job. I got to know him a lot better just an hour into our shift. We sat outside talking about basic things in our lives, mainly what interests us, relationship status, what we do for fun and so on and so forth. I actually had a liking for him, he was fun and wasn't one of those rigid type, follow the rules kind of manager. I felt at ease and there were no moments of awkward silence. Although he did ask if I am always as upbeat and bubbly as I seemed, admitting it was embarrassing. But he did encounter the silent, focused and serious side of me by the end of the night [mainly morning] but he heard me complain too [lol]
The moment I got home, my body was so accustomed to me just "going" and never stopping that I didn't even want to go to bed. But after much persistence from my dad I hopped into bed. The moment my head hit my pillow it took FOREVER for my body to settle down and realize that it needed to go into sleep mode. After much deliberation and sheep counting, I calmed my mind from it's frenzied made up scenarios and relieved my body of it's duty of staying awake. I crashed. But only to be woken up two hours later, going back to bed for another two hours. Making it the most incredible crankiest Sunday of my life. I was miserable beyond belief. But to make this Sunday, 10 x better was the fact that my parents finally changed my room around, hooked up my cable and decided to surprise me with the phone of my choice! The Samsung Black Jack II
I was e-static! :]
I feel terribly spoiled, but a part of me knows there won't be many Birthday or Christmas presents coming my way this year.
But definitely a trip to Disney World though! I'm excited!
:]

In other news: Matt is coming home this weekend! I get to spend time with him all the way until Tuesday! I am so stoked! :]
I missed him so much!

And another event in the news, the boy who sits next to me in National Government introduced himself to me the moment our Professor turned out the lights and put on a movie. His name is Ozzie and it was quite random. At least I have two friends now in that class. :]

Well, I am tired and it's off to bed for me.
Before I go though, I decided to show you a before and after of my room:



Oh, also DJ and Me from last week Sunday :]


[we were at a red light, of course I pay attention when driving to Starbucks :D ]

The Love Letter.

I came across this letter...that made my heart swell up so much that it could no longer contain the feelings I thought I could only feel.
When I came across an entire enveloped full of overflowing love letters from Matt back when we first started dating. I just had to share this one, only one because it wasn't really written to me, but more like him writing to let his feelings out for himself.
And I just wanted to share it with you;

May 15

[In the front of the letter, folded up, with my name on it, it said: "And I still don't know how I got somebody so beautiful it's amazing I don't believe it BLINDED by her brilliant beauty. My pretty girl is so amazing the way I get a cute love and to actually fall in love with such a gorgeous woman love.]

Now to the actual letter:

May 15

"...was writing notes...but I can't focus. This girl...what is with this? It's like, I had already decided, I mean I had realized before. Years ago realized or thought that I would never feel it. I thought, I will go through life, relationship after relationship without ever feelings this, Love. I accepted it with a broken heart. But wait, what's with this girl? She made me wrong. Never did I think I could feel like this. But this girl...she has me feeling new things. I'm SO in love with her. It's like, she makes me happier than I ever thought I would get. I thought only dark days ahead. But she is a shining light. A beautiful light. An Angel. No, not AN Angel...MY Angel...she saved me..she's pulled me up...I was so far down in the depths, the abyss..never did I think I could be lifted this high...I can't get her smile off my mind...damnit...I'm in love. Christ all mighty am I in love! and I don't know how to explain how happy it makes me.
-I hope she never leaves..

An entry from,
Matt the Homicidal Lover Boy."


-He'll probably get embarrassed that I put this on here..but I can't help but smile so much when I read this.
I hope it never gets old, or too mushy.
It just made me feel really really good.

Accidental Superstition.

Last night I felt so uneasy, I felt like I was being watched in the middle of the night. I would wake up and look around and in the corners of my eyes I would see shadows whiz past me. I could have been wrong, after all I do wear glasses so things were a bit blurry in the dark...
I felt the worst, I wanted to somewhat cry because it was the same feeling I get when usually something bad ends up happening. I kept shifting in my bed while I was on the phone with Matt, explaining how this feeling was bothersome. He just told me to relax and try to get some rest, after all I did have a test the next day.
So I eventually tried to ignore whatever type spirit thing that was making me feel uneasy to rest and in the back of my mind.

I found it quite odd that today, September 18 was one of the most odd yet best days I could have ever had in the entire month of September; one month before my birthday.
Maybe it's a sign of good luck? I'm not quite sure, things suddenly fell into place that I had in visioned. It went from enjoying my smooth ride to places and relaxing to the music I had suddenly fell in love with. From singing my new favorite song; "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, my day just kept on getting better and better.
Not one of those I found 20 dollars on the floor, just one of those the people around you are breaking the ice, friends with girlfriends still are staying your friend even though their girlfriend's hate you, taking a test, feeling so confident in myself. Walking in the rain and staring at the sunset having the biggest smile on my face as the sun rays kissed my face driving home. No one driving insanely, just one big smooth ride home. Strangers looking at me smiling at me, trying to strike up conversations. Maybe I've been glowing with happiness that it makes people want to get closer to me.
I've been improving some flaws within me lately. I've tried to take the focus off of me and focus more on how people are feeling and what their needs are besides my own. I appreciate things a lot more and it means so much to me to just have a simple smile being shot across the hallway, my way. Everything feels so beautiful, smells a lot better, feels a lot better. And the only reason why I'd ever want to cry in this amazing mood I'm in is because I'm so happy to feel so comfortable for once among all this insane chaos that was once inside of me a couple days ago have now fizzled out and has become vapor.
I'm so happy, feeling the love and since tomorrow I have no class I think I'm going to go for a drive and to just feel so relaxed. I think it's going to rain, but that part is even better.
I'm so happy, finally in so many months I am truly happy.

Thank you so much..
This smile can't be wiped off my face for awhile.

Raging War.

In the right corner we have The Thesis Statement Chapter and to the left we have Judaism and how it all came to be. In the North-West Corner we have the different types of Art and in the South-West corner we have the Declaration of Independence. This 4x4 showdown doesn't seem to look too good with no alliances what-so-ever. It's the smack-down of the month.


Basically, things aren't working out too well, well the whole organization of time actually. I feel like I have things down-packed, but with so much time on my hands I should be more focused on reading ahead in chapters that were assigned by my professors. Then again, I still am a teenager and I have teenager needs. -When handling a job and earning money, all I want to do is spend spend spend. But after I spend, spend, spend, I end up crying, crying, crying. Watching my money go down into the gas for my car.
Damn, I wish I could just pour in something else cheap in my car to get it running.

Thank goodness for engineers. I thought about becoming one..and it's not the fact that I may not have to intellectual standard at my age, it has just become one of those "do I really want to rack my brain for the rest of my life" kind of thing. And, I'd rather do that than sit at home and watch tax collectors take my money.

There is so much going on right now that I can't really describe it all now because I am in the midst of studying. It was just those things that were fogging up my head in the whole situation of me studying.
Now that it is all down on "paper", I am ready to roll again.

Enlightened.

I didn't realize that I really do love the friends I've got.
lol, I can never stop smiling or feel the way they make me feel. Especially Mario.
Seriously, ever since I started working at LQ I befriended him way long ago and we are good friends. I tell him everything and in return he tells me everything. I help him, he helps me. Pretty sweet. This morning I saw him online and he said he was heading over there to get his paycheck and I thought, 'Hey why not?'
So, off I went and met up with him. Our Managers thought it was funny cause we were both still in our pajamas, kinda. We looked so lazy, our Managers laughed and we made some jokes and then on our way out I put on my sunglasses (you know, the big ones I got for Christmas) and my Manager looked at me and said, "You are going to be in my play, you look like a movie star, (insert laugh here)". I thought he was just making fun of me, but he wasn't, he was totally serious. (Here at Laser Quest we make music videos, plays and other things to send to Corporate, in Canada, and just show that we are the best LQ group with great entertainment.) He said I looked like Audrey Hepburn and it was pretty awesome that he said he liked my glasses rather than laughing at them, like some people have to get out of their system. (*cough*Noelle*cough*)
:)

Anyway, I'm just hanging around my house until my Mom gets home and my family comes down and we celebrate two birthdays! Speaking of birthdays...I really can't wait for mine :]
I really want to go to Plaster Carousel, but Matt wants to take me to Disney's MGM. But I don't know, I really want to spend my birthday with my family and friends and go to Disney a different weekend. Sorry Matt, love you much but lol, I don't do this often.
Well, I need to go and practice my new song I wrote.
Talk about busy day.- Or not. :]

It's not so easy...

Maybe something is wrong with me. I was probably born to be this abnormal person who constantly constantly CONSTANTLY cannot deal with emotions any more.
It is driving me apart and throwing me all around in this insane dizzy spell that has left me on the ground. By myself I sit and I can't help but stare at the reflection in the mirror, who has reflected this hideous me. What happened? Where did it all go?
Once Upon A Time I had friends who loved being my friend, I had people who always talked to me and now it all has changed. Maybe all of this crying has made me into this horrific person that no one dares to step foot near. I wish oh how I wish venting and crying was more than enough to change everything back. - Maybe it's because I'm changing everyday with new feelings being explored and overcoming the challenges of being a human being who has to deal with stupid emotions. I hate having feelings, I wish they would go away. Then again, I like to have feelings...

Everyday I stand in front of the mirror and put on a new face for everyone to see. Despite my sorrows I always tend to smile. I don't think people really like that. I think I'm some annoying person that just bothers people. I talk a lot, and I like to laugh a lot, when I meet new people I have this bad habit of opening up to them about everything...when I'm upset about something, I constantly talk about it and never do I let it go until I convince myself it's time to move on. Maybe I'm just too bright. I should dim it down a bit.
Tone myself down, to keep myself normal, to blend in.
I don't want to blend in.
But if it's to be liked, might as well. *shrugs*

Maybe if I put on a ton of make-up [which I don't even do unless I'm having some strange photo-shoot with myself] and be the "pretty" yet "weird" me people will like me more. - Heh, here I go again, arguing back and forth with myself 'cause I'd just tell myself this is stupid. And it is.

No matter what, I can't Scream how I feel. I can't cry in front of the person that has dragged me down. I can't. I have to stand above it all, avoid people like hella-crazy and try to not make things more awkward for people who started it all.
Maybe I was some big mistake, which I have been told before. Not from the person themselves just from third party spectators.
All I want is to make this all go away, I cannot, and I refuse, go back to the days where I would be this depressed lump of crap that felt sorry for herself yet never showed it. My internal self CANNOT take it any longer. I'm probably going mentally insane. I have this insane greed for wanting everyone to like me. And when one person falls off then I'm off balance. This happened before when one of my friends stopped talking to me. And when she came back, it honestly didn't matter much cause I convinced myself that it doesn't matter anymore, even though I felt so off balance.
But now, I feel balanced. - Well, did.

With another person trampling me mentally on my life it hurts so much that I can't help but not sustain the feelings anymore. I can't get angry anymore, or laugh it off and say "oh well"
I CAN'T.
I lost a friend.
That is that. No more feelings than a feeling that I will no longer talk to this person anymore, I cannot confide in this person, ANYMORE.
Losing a Best Friend SUCKS.
And I don't want my other friends to go through what I'm going through.

I think I just went to hell and back and survived.
Letting go of these tears would seriously help.

Oh the irony...
I hate this feeling..



I'm done venting my sorrow...



for now.

Never ending feelings..

I'm pretty happy at the moment.
My friendship with Nys is ten times better than it ever was when I first started working with her. We've got a bunch of inside jokes, a couple of dances and we make little kids look bad with our kid voices.
It's a little bit awkward at times, but it'll pass eventually. My Assistant Manager basically kicks ass, lol.
With us being short, we are Fun Sized and make all the guys we work with laugh.
It keeps the mood light.
I love my job, and no one else probably has it better than I do at 18!

Anyway,
I'm hoping Matt comes down to visit soon, I miss him dearly. I know I could drive up there but I don't know how that is going to work anytime soon with my gas money declining with each pay check I have to give my dad.
Hmph..

Well, I should finish my Art Appreciation Homework and study more on Judaism for my World Religion class.
Yay, I start Government and English tomorrow :]
How exciting.


A part of me wished and wished that Hurricane Ike was going to hit.
But a part of me is glad cause I love me some power :]
meaning light...

Hehehe....

i love who i have become...

My world feels like those balloons...all over the place but feeling free.



A new voice has come about and the songs can never leave. Singing has become a big passion and with the help with a few vocal lessons it has turned me into the singing bird. -It is quite a new feat for me. I can't help the urge of singing anywhere I go. The best part of all- they say I sing well! Woo hoo! That is +2 pts for my confidence. But the bad part is that I am still shy to sing in front of anyone, except myself.

Hmm...


On another note, creativity has flown faster through my veins and I can't help but feel the colors swirl in my eyes. I love vintage looks and my photography is taking on an old 70s feel.
I need to be out there more so more people know about me.
I just can't wait till I can change others perspectives on how I view our world, it's problems and the true beauty inside it all. The best part is that I can't wait to travel all over the world.
Italy and Ireland are definitely one of the first stops.


Look out for many new photos and maybe poems that can become songs :]
I'm just trying out some new things to get a feel for the things I don't want to feel I missed out on. -Oh and teaching myself guitar is going to be a toughie for me :-/
But I'm confident in myself as well.

The World is my canvas and I can paint any picture I desire that pleases me.

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves."

Growth.

I can finally say that I am happy and in a "bliss-full" mood. No one can bring me down or make me feel horribly upset. Yesterdays sorrows are today's strengths, all my thoughts of making amends to others have washed away with the oceans waves. My love has scattered and my heart is now unwavering, the tears have dried and I feel stronger once again. As I imagine myself sitting on a stone boulder facing outwards towards the oceans never ending scenery, wind whips my hair around my face playfully and I ponder my life and all of its roller coaster feelings of excitement. Finally, I feel free of the chains and I have the love wrapped around me tightly, binding once again. My eyes scan the waves for answers and it answers me. Free as a bird, high spirited, carefree, laughing, smiling-that all defines me. I have been so high-strung and now I have cut the ties. Friends make it possible. And as I stare out to the East I have nothing more than the whispers of the wind playing upon my back. Life is good although some friendships have been lost, I can't help but feel relieved. This new found freedom in my heart has made this journey an exciting one. As I stand and stare one last time at the old remnants of fun times, I look towards my future that was once behind me, now in front of me. A smile on my face, never to look at the past again.
I love me and all the inhabitants of love that have grown inside of me.
Sometimes I can't help the smile that is spread across my face.

The Wind Down

Last week was pretty much the hype of all time.
Now, time to get back into the swing of things...
It's so different to not just sit at home and bore myself to death with insane studying and internet surfing. I now have the key to all the problems! Now it has been solved! Driving is the best thing in the world!
Sorta.

Anyway,
ever since my mom woke me up at 7am to go to church on Sunday I have been physically exhausted, it even takes energy to yawn. [I just yawned, lol]
I think I'm going to go read my book now and ACTUALLY finish it. Everything has just been getting in the way of things lately.

Meh, I need a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows.

Yum.



P.S.- Sesame Ellis is God.


That is all.

:]

What's all the comotion about?!

Me: "I'm just swinging back into my depression. A box of tissues, an ice cream cone and re-runs of the saddest/happiest moments in my life play over and over in my mind, making me cry."

Matt: Whoa! Wait wait wait! Hold the phone! Where'd you get an ice cream cone?!

That has got to be the best line I heard/read all night. To take a simple step of insane crying fits to a complete utter non-stop fit of giggles shuttering through my body. Seriously, that's all it took to change my mood.

I've been completely moody this week. But we all know why. Other than that, this splitting headache just might be the second reason along with all the other insane trips I took today- even experiencing some INSANE traffic in Davie that has me here in a complete spell of exhaustion.

My day started when I woke up at 8:30am, hitting the snooze button about 7 times till I finally decided to turn it off. Fell back asleep and woke up around 11:30am. - [Maybe I should set my alarm for 6:00am, that way I can wake up at 9am! Hah!]
I rolled out of bed finally deciding that I should go to school and get my classes changed.

So, off I went and met up with a friend of mine, Letitia there since she just finished class. It was mad-crazy-insane-chaotic in building 19! The long/crazy line to the bookstore went out the door, around the corner to go around ANOTHER corner! Letitia and I just decided to wait in it because it was only going to get worse sooner or later. Once we finally got into the bookstore we browsed around for a bit, I needed a World Religions book and well I totally forgot what Letitia needed, lol.
But after getting what we needed, Letitia had a brilliant idea [-insert light bulb here-] that I should go and get my student ID! What a great idea it was indeed, since the Student Life department would be closed tomorrow. I snagged a pretty okay picture of me ID and waited in the admissions line. The line didn't take long, but I didn't know about the wait INSIDE too. About 15 minutes of waiting inside, Letitia had to go to her Liberal Math Class. [It sucked because I was there waiting...alone now..]
I must say it was an insane hour or so when I finally walked up to the desk and said; "I've been waiting here for an hour, when can I go in?" - The lady looked at the sheet, flipped back and said, "Oh! I'm sorry I skipped you!" - Oh. My. God. I almost got angry but tears filled my eyes, I pushed them back willingly. [Remember I've been moody] My feelings were quite hurt that I was being forgotten by people who didn't even know me. So not even 2 minutes later this guy called me over and asked me "What can I do for you?" -He reminded me of the administrators at Dillard only MUCH more organized and well aware of what their job dealt with. I told him the whole ordeal about being in the wrong Math class, he apologized and went to the testing center to get things worked out for me, came back and put me in the RIGHT math class this time. Only it wouldn't be available until next semester. No problem, I'll just take another class. UGH! How I wish I didn't have to take it but I have to take a "History" class...and that class my dear friends is Government! I felt like I was a high school senior all over again! Dun dun dun! That sucked...yet I didn't care, it was an early class and I liked the idea of an early class.
That took about 7 minutes [which added onto my already irritated mood], I left there in a frenzy, looked at the time and cursed because it was 20 minutes to 5. I was at that damn school for a good freakin' 4 damn hours! It was insane!
I drove home, got there around 5pm. I shoved food down my throat as fast as I good, downed some really yummy juice then stuffed my backpack with some books and darted out the door. - With some slight traffic I made it to BC around 5:50pm [with some several minutes to spare]. Class didn't start until 6:30, so I called Matt and talked to him for awhile, pacing back and fourth in front of the door. I observed a centipede which caught my attention for quite some time...then around 6:15pm I told Matt I should be getting to class. I hung up with him and walked into class. There were already a couple of kids in the class that were talking to each other. It kind of sucked cause I felt awkward walking into a conversation. So, I quietly sat down next to a man who looked to be about 23. [Seriously, College is weird with people WAY older...] and I took out my notebook like a good student, a pen and my water. [I was super thirsty today]. I scanned the room. Chalk board, desks in 6 perfectly straight rows that went to the back of the room, a projector, a big rack with maps on it, a computer, 2 doors and a tiny window in the back. The white walls made me feel uneasy. It was just a weird brightly lit room for me.
A blonde lady walked in with a bunch of other students. She looked young too, about 30 years old. I didn't expect my teacher to be the way she was. - The entire time she lectured on religions she was so hyped up. It was somewhat hard to keep up with the difference in thoughts. She reminded me of....well, me. [At Laser Quest] The knowledge she was filled with made me feel so delighted that I had an energetic bubbly teacher who was super friendly.
I'm already loving this class already.
She let us leave early too which was a super bonus.

So, I went home and watched Mythbusters and ate dinner. That was when my headache started to roll around.


Phew, that was a lot to type...


Now I feel better, my head hurts even more and I am ready for my break tomorrow at Plaster Carousel! Woot woot! <3


Good night.

I must save my brain from exploding now.

Long day of stuff...

I'm pretty much getting the hang of this whole college thing...I think...

After a long talk with Matt last night [much tears of mine were shed] he gave me the "pep" talk. Once I finished balling my eyes out, trying to be audible for Matt to hear me. I explained how I was feeling so alone and isolated from the people around me. Everyone I saw were walking around with friends and laughing, while I walked like a loner around the school. It made me feel so weird, like I was missing out and as if people were staring at me, probably thinking, "Look, that girl has no friends"!
But, Matt reminded me that in College people don't always have those "buddies" that you are sometimes obligated to make in high school. But in college, friend making is optional, the only reason why people go there is to learn more. Thus the reason why I am there is to focus, study, learn more and get amazing grades to get a degree. In all honesty it doesn't really matter if I'm the only girl around walking by herself. Besides, Matt said it's fine to walk around by yourself because I'm the "pretty" girl walking by myself.[Not getting full of myself] He also added that since it was the first day, no one was going to talk to anyone, but in time I will make friends, bla, bla, bla.
It really was a good pep talk.


And today we had Math class again.
There is this guy who sat next to me the first day, who decided to sit next to me again. [It was weird] He looked like he could be 21 years old and tried to talk to me. Bringing up the subject of "did you do your homework last night?" and as silly as that conversation might have been I talked a little bit but not as much. It made me feel less awkward sitting next to someone who I didn't know.
But during our lecture on equations I saw in the corner of my eye that he would look my way. Which then made the awkwardness come back. But I tried to come up with my own conclusions in my head as to why he would look at me when he should be looking at Professor Blanchette. I started to think that it was because he was wondering what I was writing for notes, yet he wasn't writing any! So I just ignored it. He was gone right after our Professor said, "See you next week."

Meh, anyway, after class I told my professor that I believe that I belonged in a different class, so he advised me to see my Adviser. PUH! Once I walked into the big building there were lines to several places going OUT the door and around the corner. I just told myself to forget it, I'll just go tomorrow morning where there will be barely anyone there. [Hopefully]. Plus, I need a World Religion book for class tomorrow night. I'm pretty stoked to having a new class! :D
But hopefully I'll wake up around when my brother does...well not THAT early.

After giving up on the whole adviser thing I gave Matt a call to see what he was up to. He told me how he was deciding to either go to Wendy's or Moe's. But he didn't want to go to Moe's alone. That was when I came up with the suggestion that he should meet me at the one near Sawgrass. [Only because it was close to my house, yet I was a good 20 minutes away, if I told him to leave we would meet in the middle] So he agreed and Matt and I went to Moe's, had lunch together and got bonding time done for today. Matt went off in a whole frenzy talking about the Stephen King book he is reading called, "Cell" that was all about Zombies and such. He was so excited just talking about it, I thought it was way cute.


Well anyway, after filling myself up with a burrito I asked him to go to Wal-Mart with me, which he so willingly said "yes" to after a couple of bribes. [lol] We both drove there [and I do not want to insert the road rage I encountered right around the corner..] with him following behind me. I must say it was the worst day to go, I completely forgot that today was the first day of school so Wal-Mart was insanely packed and busy. Completely sardined packed in the school aisle, Matt explained to me which notebook would be best for me and such. It was pretty cool/neat to have someone who already had their first year of College down-packed helping me out with things.
I love him super much for it, lol.
It only sucked cause I didn't get a planner [and he completely made fun of me for it because he knows I'm the type of girl that plans out EVERYTHING]
But I have to go to Walgreens with my Mom tonight or something to get it.

Once we left Wal-Mart, we both said our "see you later's" and went home.
Such a good day after class I must say indeed!


Before he leaves for UCF on Saturday we are going to have one more last fun day!

Matt is taking me to Plaster Carousel on Friday so we can do arts & crafts!
He is so good to me! ;___;

<3