Being ignored I think is the worst punishment than going straight to hell.
This post, my emotions are angry and emotional. I feel like someone just ripped me apart and they damn well know they did. The saying "What goes around, comes around" will bite you in the ass so badly that you'll be the one laying in your bed crying in the middle of the night because of the worst punishment ever.
Get out of my head, get out of my heart. I don't want to have anything ever to do with you again.
You have no idea as to who I am, and how much I care so much for everyone. You will never meet someone like me ever in your life who cares as much as I do, ever.
And to be ignored and out of your life is the worst torture anyone could ever put me through. But everyone says that I shouldn't let you know that your punishment is working on me. I don't care if you know because I know you don't care. You never did care anyway. I thought you were my best friend, but then again I had no idea what you thought or how you felt because you can't feel, obviously since you are doing this to me.
You're so heartless.
And like I said, you'll end up being a lonely lonely person if you continue to stab people in the back.
I'm not sorry for what I said, or what I did, or how I felt. Because I am 100% honest.
I feel sorry for you, oh I really do.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Anyway, this song has been stuck in my head all day. So this is the song of the day;
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Broken in Two.
Loss.
I feel like I'm going through what I did a year ago, and I am. I can't deal with these emotions and feelings of despair anymore. All of my despair 5 years ago would have lead to uneventful destructive behavior. Right now all of my destructive behavior runs like scenes over and over in my mind. Why? Well, every time I am hurt I want people to eat their words and feel regret. Selfish right? Perhaps so, but it's the way we human beings are. But no one wants to feel the actual loss, it's a pain unbearable when you can never see someone you love ever, ever again. Every day is painful and you swear it's all a terrible dream. But you can't wake from it.
How can you just walk away without understanding or knowing or wondering?
One simple dishonest answer is natural in human beings. No one is out to get anyone and you can't expect honesty in everyone.
Since you no longer wish to speak to me or see me physically, I can only resort to these words on your computer screen. Hopefully this will reach to you somewhere, where ever you may be on this stormy night...
Happiness. That's all I can say, that's all I felt when you were with me. I loved hugging you, I felt like I was being sent to another place inside of my heart. I never felt like that before in my life. You were my shining light.
My explanation for my negative behavior had to do with the negativity of life. I wanted to live in my own bubble where we were locked away with no need of leaving each other.
It was so painful for you to leave the last time I saw you. I tried to tell you how afraid I was because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I started to feel like my world was crumbling underneath me and no one was there to catch me before the fall.
I didn't go to you, and you were right, I should have gone to you, but you were so busy with your own worries why should I burden you with more unnecessary stress? So, off you left and who would have known that that would have been the last time I'd ever see you again.
As I slip back into my own thoughts, my own world, my only lonesome and depressed world, I'll just stay and wait until the wind whisks me away from this very spot.
I'll always find a way to keep you right here waiting, I'll find the words to say to keep you right here waiting.
Forever more,
xoxo,
domi
I feel like I'm going through what I did a year ago, and I am. I can't deal with these emotions and feelings of despair anymore. All of my despair 5 years ago would have lead to uneventful destructive behavior. Right now all of my destructive behavior runs like scenes over and over in my mind. Why? Well, every time I am hurt I want people to eat their words and feel regret. Selfish right? Perhaps so, but it's the way we human beings are. But no one wants to feel the actual loss, it's a pain unbearable when you can never see someone you love ever, ever again. Every day is painful and you swear it's all a terrible dream. But you can't wake from it.
How can you just walk away without understanding or knowing or wondering?
One simple dishonest answer is natural in human beings. No one is out to get anyone and you can't expect honesty in everyone.
Since you no longer wish to speak to me or see me physically, I can only resort to these words on your computer screen. Hopefully this will reach to you somewhere, where ever you may be on this stormy night...
Happiness. That's all I can say, that's all I felt when you were with me. I loved hugging you, I felt like I was being sent to another place inside of my heart. I never felt like that before in my life. You were my shining light.
My explanation for my negative behavior had to do with the negativity of life. I wanted to live in my own bubble where we were locked away with no need of leaving each other.
It was so painful for you to leave the last time I saw you. I tried to tell you how afraid I was because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I started to feel like my world was crumbling underneath me and no one was there to catch me before the fall.
I didn't go to you, and you were right, I should have gone to you, but you were so busy with your own worries why should I burden you with more unnecessary stress? So, off you left and who would have known that that would have been the last time I'd ever see you again.
As I slip back into my own thoughts, my own world, my only lonesome and depressed world, I'll just stay and wait until the wind whisks me away from this very spot.
I'll always find a way to keep you right here waiting, I'll find the words to say to keep you right here waiting.
Forever more,
xoxo,
domi
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Why'd you have to go & make things complicated?
Finding love in all the right places, but at the wrong time.
My Granny calls me a social butterfly...I hope that doesn't apply to love. She says if you make me idle for long I'm off somewhere else to find a new flower to gain entertainment from. And sadly, my personality is that. But my memory isn't that, I'll always remember the warm fuzzy feelings. But I am afraid, so afraid that my heart won't skip a beat when I see the boy of my dreams again. Or get giddy over late night conversations about the silliest of things...
I feel like I am isolating myself from the fuzzy-ness that makes love so much fun!
I really really really think I'm in love, I would just like to feel the emotions.
Being alone gets tiresome, and now it is time for me to retire.
avoir!
xoxo,
domi
My Granny calls me a social butterfly...I hope that doesn't apply to love. She says if you make me idle for long I'm off somewhere else to find a new flower to gain entertainment from. And sadly, my personality is that. But my memory isn't that, I'll always remember the warm fuzzy feelings. But I am afraid, so afraid that my heart won't skip a beat when I see the boy of my dreams again. Or get giddy over late night conversations about the silliest of things...
I feel like I am isolating myself from the fuzzy-ness that makes love so much fun!
I really really really think I'm in love, I would just like to feel the emotions.
Being alone gets tiresome, and now it is time for me to retire.
avoir!
xoxo,
domi
Monday, March 29, 2010
The simplest joy in children.
It's 1am and my house is crazy. I wish that things were simpler and parents weren't going balistic over the fact that teenagers do as they please. I wish that I had a little sister or brother that was at the simple age of 3 or 4, just the pleasant-ness they give off at the simplest of things. Nothing complicated or feelings that hurt us. Just the instant gratification of everything being theirs.
I hope to be a child photographer, as well as a wedding photographer. But as of right now I love to see the joy they have in the littlest of things.
Some of my photos I'd like to share;
My little Jewel Bug looking for fairies before sunset.
We found leaves!
This picture makes her look grown up...it's quite frightening since I remember her as a wee 2 year old. My, how time does fly.
I can't believe she'll be 7...
Playing "Airplane"! :D
My sweetheart<3
Meet Tasha Beck <3 Matt's other younger cousin! :)
She may have a temper and attitude, but I love her <3
Her Personality.
I don't see her as often, but I love her the same<3
And I think she doesn't mind...
Thank you for allowing me to share my feelings today.
xoxo,
domi
I hope to be a child photographer, as well as a wedding photographer. But as of right now I love to see the joy they have in the littlest of things.
Some of my photos I'd like to share;
My little Jewel Bug looking for fairies before sunset.
We found leaves!
This picture makes her look grown up...it's quite frightening since I remember her as a wee 2 year old. My, how time does fly.
I can't believe she'll be 7...
Playing "Airplane"! :D
My sweetheart<3
Meet Tasha Beck <3 Matt's other younger cousin! :)
She may have a temper and attitude, but I love her <3
Her Personality.
I don't see her as often, but I love her the same<3
And I think she doesn't mind...
Thank you for allowing me to share my feelings today.
xoxo,
domi
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Oh please, help me get what I want, but I don't know what I want.
I think I should keep my mouth shut before it tears me apart on the inside or for the fact that I may get into trouble with those who always question how I feel.
But...I can't help it and I have free will to express how I feel. Especially when I am frustrated beyond belief that I even surprise myself with the fact that I at least recognize it and try to change my behavioral pattern. Attempting some self control to something- maybe someone, actually...someone rather addicting, takes a lot of strength.
In a very unusual way he makes me feel like everything and worthless,
all at once.
We are the same, and it's like looking at myself every time we are together. I think to myself, 'Is this how I make others feel when I am near? When they get wrapped up in my warmth, is this the reason why they always want more of me..?'
I at least now understand more than I did yesterday.
I haven't cried in days, maybe a week or two so far and I felt very content with being happy. But the happiness can't always stay, the same way that the sun won't shine forever. So, when the sunshine goes away, the sadness will linger around to stay.
I know I say I surprise myself all the time, but it's the truth, I always end up surprising myself.
Tears welled up in my eyes, at first I was shocked that these feelings could possibly be so overwhelming that it compelled me to feel this way, and second, I immediately stopped and realized that I was stupid.
I have a bad habit of getting wrapped up into something that makes me feel good and happy that I never want it to end. I get selfish and I seek more, more than I may need. I should be happy for what I've got. Then again, like a child...I cry because I can never get what I want. How silly of me to feel the way I feel. I just wished that they could see that that is how I feel. But, I know how to turn around my feelings and be like how I was before.
It's all a game to them and you have to play by the rules to win the game. Never let your guard down because in the end you will only have yourself.
Emotions play a fickle role in this game.
They could either be in your favor or abandon you completely.
And I will not let anyone see me fall as they have all done so in the past.
But I am a loving creature, and for a fact I know that what I say about never letting anyone win won't last very long. Because I will adore and adore until I get pushed back down. Until someone gives me a reason why they hate me and don't want me around.
I stay like a good puppy, till I am wished away.
xoxo,
domi
But...I can't help it and I have free will to express how I feel. Especially when I am frustrated beyond belief that I even surprise myself with the fact that I at least recognize it and try to change my behavioral pattern. Attempting some self control to something- maybe someone, actually...someone rather addicting, takes a lot of strength.
In a very unusual way he makes me feel like everything and worthless,
all at once.
We are the same, and it's like looking at myself every time we are together. I think to myself, 'Is this how I make others feel when I am near? When they get wrapped up in my warmth, is this the reason why they always want more of me..?'
I at least now understand more than I did yesterday.
I haven't cried in days, maybe a week or two so far and I felt very content with being happy. But the happiness can't always stay, the same way that the sun won't shine forever. So, when the sunshine goes away, the sadness will linger around to stay.
I know I say I surprise myself all the time, but it's the truth, I always end up surprising myself.
Tears welled up in my eyes, at first I was shocked that these feelings could possibly be so overwhelming that it compelled me to feel this way, and second, I immediately stopped and realized that I was stupid.
I have a bad habit of getting wrapped up into something that makes me feel good and happy that I never want it to end. I get selfish and I seek more, more than I may need. I should be happy for what I've got. Then again, like a child...I cry because I can never get what I want. How silly of me to feel the way I feel. I just wished that they could see that that is how I feel. But, I know how to turn around my feelings and be like how I was before.
It's all a game to them and you have to play by the rules to win the game. Never let your guard down because in the end you will only have yourself.
Emotions play a fickle role in this game.
They could either be in your favor or abandon you completely.
And I will not let anyone see me fall as they have all done so in the past.
But I am a loving creature, and for a fact I know that what I say about never letting anyone win won't last very long. Because I will adore and adore until I get pushed back down. Until someone gives me a reason why they hate me and don't want me around.
I stay like a good puppy, till I am wished away.
xoxo,
domi
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
If you can dream it, you CAN do it.
So...it is official as of 9:03am, I am now going to be a Disney Cast Member!
I am so excited!!! I didn't expect an email so quickly! Although Merchandise was a role I wasn't choosing as first pick but I don't care!!!!!!!
I AM GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!! :D
I now officially work for the Mouse :]
P.S.- I will be creating a new blog, under the same name just a different one separate for my Disney experience.
So keep checking for updates!!!
M-I-C-K-E-Y-M-O-U-S-E!!!
MICKEY MOUSE!
xoxo,
domi
I am so excited!!! I didn't expect an email so quickly! Although Merchandise was a role I wasn't choosing as first pick but I don't care!!!!!!!
I AM GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!! :D
I now officially work for the Mouse :]
P.S.- I will be creating a new blog, under the same name just a different one separate for my Disney experience.
So keep checking for updates!!!
M-I-C-K-E-Y-M-O-U-S-E!!!
MICKEY MOUSE!
xoxo,
domi
Monday, March 1, 2010
The littlest things...
I feel like I am not myself most days. These days I am always complaining about being irritated and about school not going my way as well as other upsetting things. And that just isn't me. I needed to realize that I very much am a big downer at the moment.
But I wanted to share a story that made me feel like I should really take in the simplest things in life.
Yesterday, at work a little girl at the simple age of three was clinging to her Mommy during one of the laser tag missions I was marshaling. She wasn't wearing a pack, just clinging to the side waist clip staring at everything around her wide-eyed. I walked by and looked at her and smiled. I made a comment to her Mom saying how adorable she looked just holding onto her. Then suddenly, this little three year old stared at me for a moment that seemed like forever. She let go of her mother and clearly stated to me that she was staying with me. At that moment I found her hand clinging onto mine, squeezing it ever so tightly as if she were afraid I'd disappear. I smiled to myself but felt quite uneasy at the moment since we are not allowed to touch children. But I realized that she was the one who took my hand in hers and she was insistent on us staying together. And together we stayed for fifteen minutes. She was so cute that we ended up having a conversation about her cute Tinkerbell jacket she was wearing that lit up to motion. But soon the game was almost over and I had to leave. Still following her mom and brother, I got down to her level, her hand still holding mine and I said to her "Sweetheart why don't you just stay with your Mommy now? I have to go and get ready for the game to be over." She shook her head no but her Mom told her that I had to get back to work. Reluctantly she let go of my hand, looking like she was about to cry, I leaned over and said to her "Don't worry, I'll be outside waiting when you get out." And with the biggest smile on her face she said so loudly and ever so clearly, "Okay!"
That made me feel so special in so many ways I don't think anyone can ever understand how that touched my heart.
Little kids are so cute and to see the smile on their faces is another one of life's simple ways of saying, 'I care...'
xoxo,
domi
But I wanted to share a story that made me feel like I should really take in the simplest things in life.
Yesterday, at work a little girl at the simple age of three was clinging to her Mommy during one of the laser tag missions I was marshaling. She wasn't wearing a pack, just clinging to the side waist clip staring at everything around her wide-eyed. I walked by and looked at her and smiled. I made a comment to her Mom saying how adorable she looked just holding onto her. Then suddenly, this little three year old stared at me for a moment that seemed like forever. She let go of her mother and clearly stated to me that she was staying with me. At that moment I found her hand clinging onto mine, squeezing it ever so tightly as if she were afraid I'd disappear. I smiled to myself but felt quite uneasy at the moment since we are not allowed to touch children. But I realized that she was the one who took my hand in hers and she was insistent on us staying together. And together we stayed for fifteen minutes. She was so cute that we ended up having a conversation about her cute Tinkerbell jacket she was wearing that lit up to motion. But soon the game was almost over and I had to leave. Still following her mom and brother, I got down to her level, her hand still holding mine and I said to her "Sweetheart why don't you just stay with your Mommy now? I have to go and get ready for the game to be over." She shook her head no but her Mom told her that I had to get back to work. Reluctantly she let go of my hand, looking like she was about to cry, I leaned over and said to her "Don't worry, I'll be outside waiting when you get out." And with the biggest smile on her face she said so loudly and ever so clearly, "Okay!"
That made me feel so special in so many ways I don't think anyone can ever understand how that touched my heart.
Little kids are so cute and to see the smile on their faces is another one of life's simple ways of saying, 'I care...'
xoxo,
domi
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Round 2.
Believe it or not, but it's true. I have decided to go for the Disney College Program once again! I believe that because of the events that followed after my Disney Audition last year, it was reasonable that I did not make it to the program. But this time around I am hoping to be at the "Happiest Place on Earth".
I am hoping for Attractions, but if not I'll settle for Merchandise, Photopass Photographer, Recreation and I am sure I chose something else but I can't remember at the moment. But I am not going to get super excited about it as much as I want to because it was such a disappointment last year. I am excited internally.
So if I get in I will be there for the Fall season, and when I come back I will then go to the college that I got accepted in.
In other news, this week has seemed to be really sh*tty for me and I am hoping that my attitude turns around sometime today before tomorrow when I have my interview (For Disney)! Next to that I am getting sick and tired of some people around here. Their sarcasm and smart ass remarks are really making me reconsider their friendship. I was always good at knowing who hates me or dislike me for any reason.
So if you find yourself removed from my friend's list on Facebook, don't take it personally. I already knew you disliked me but for some reason you didn't want to remove me from your friend's list, so I did it for you :)
Anyway, I am off to class now!
I will try to update as often as I can!
-domi
I am hoping for Attractions, but if not I'll settle for Merchandise, Photopass Photographer, Recreation and I am sure I chose something else but I can't remember at the moment. But I am not going to get super excited about it as much as I want to because it was such a disappointment last year. I am excited internally.
So if I get in I will be there for the Fall season, and when I come back I will then go to the college that I got accepted in.
In other news, this week has seemed to be really sh*tty for me and I am hoping that my attitude turns around sometime today before tomorrow when I have my interview (For Disney)! Next to that I am getting sick and tired of some people around here. Their sarcasm and smart ass remarks are really making me reconsider their friendship. I was always good at knowing who hates me or dislike me for any reason.
So if you find yourself removed from my friend's list on Facebook, don't take it personally. I already knew you disliked me but for some reason you didn't want to remove me from your friend's list, so I did it for you :)
Anyway, I am off to class now!
I will try to update as often as I can!
-domi
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
One Giant post of Stress.
I am completely and utterly paranoid; it’s as if I think the entire world is against me. And it quite possibly could be. I can’t go on each day without feeling depressed or any other possible worse feeling ever. I feel like I screwed myself up with lowering my GPA all thanks to Statistics. I blame myself for never applying myself and now I have a fear I won’t end up either at UF or UCF. I feel like a senior all over again and I hate it. If I want to talk about how I feel I can’t because again I feel like no one would care to listen or even want to know how I’m feeling. I’ve never felt like this before and it’s driving me insane. Sometimes I think I need a therapist because I can’t get a grip on feeling comfortable with myself and all I want to do is cry because everyone else is abandoning me.
If anyone can give me a good therapist I am going to need it and I hope they are free. I don’t have the money to be spending on talking about my problems when I think all I need is someone to talk to me and listen to me.
Even writing this blog I feel guilty for the way I feel, the way I complain and I know I shouldn’t.
I even experienced my first panic attack this past Sunday. I swore I was dying but I was fighting myself to not faint and at which one point I just did on my bed and had to calm myself down by sleeping it off. I swear I am going through my midlife crisis already and I haven’t even turned 21 yet! I need to stop worrying what to do and how I am going to get through life because I just need to go with the flow with the decisions I make and that’s that.
I just wish that things were a bit easier…
I know I can make it easier for myself, I just need to learn how to sort out my life.
If anyone can give me a good therapist I am going to need it and I hope they are free. I don’t have the money to be spending on talking about my problems when I think all I need is someone to talk to me and listen to me.
Even writing this blog I feel guilty for the way I feel, the way I complain and I know I shouldn’t.
I even experienced my first panic attack this past Sunday. I swore I was dying but I was fighting myself to not faint and at which one point I just did on my bed and had to calm myself down by sleeping it off. I swear I am going through my midlife crisis already and I haven’t even turned 21 yet! I need to stop worrying what to do and how I am going to get through life because I just need to go with the flow with the decisions I make and that’s that.
I just wish that things were a bit easier…
I know I can make it easier for myself, I just need to learn how to sort out my life.
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