Mental Breakdown.

I've got problems. Some big problems. Problems I refuse to talk to Matt about, to my Mom about to anyone about, except you dearest blog..
Problems that I get sad so easily and I feel like I'm the only one in the world that can only help myself. I get sad and I cry so much because I feel so worthless, I think back on past memories and cry about them, I cry because it is a release of emotion that boils inside of me and I can never escape. I hate memories, I wish someone would wash away with the tears I have shed. It is so annoying and bothersome.
But then I am turned around by friends who say they care so much about me and stare into my, what they call "big brown depths that take them away" eyes that belong to me tear filled, flooding out it's shade and the place their hands on my shoulders and say to stop. They love the smile on my face, it is the most fascinating amusement. They find my words interesting, it's interesting to them how I view life and live it and my opinion based on it. How I deal with situations....
What do I do when I am torn? I cannot deal with anything anymore, I feel overwhelmed, I feel like I can't make an impression on people, I can't deal with trying to stand out when all I want to do is curl up and hide away somewhere else. I'm tired of being made fun of, I'm tired of being the weird girl that is annoying.
I can't stand it anymore. I CAN'T.
Words hurt, they pierce the skin and break the mentality of what I can withstand, I just can't deal with anything anymore. This is my breakdown, and I can't stand being who I am. I don't like me. I don't want to do this anymore..
And I think I will just curl up in a corner and die a little on the inside.
I can't fake the smile on my face, I can't try hard to be friends with people anymore. I'm done, it's done. But I'm a hypocrite, tomorrow i will smile and shrug off hurtful words, I will laugh at everything and laugh at the taunting.
The feeling will melt away and I will shed a tear, move on, and stay smiling.
I will cry on the inside and when I am away from the public, I will cry in my room over and over and over again like I do every night and wake up smiling..
It's the cycle that never ends.

And neither will I.