It's not so easy...

Maybe something is wrong with me. I was probably born to be this abnormal person who constantly constantly CONSTANTLY cannot deal with emotions any more.
It is driving me apart and throwing me all around in this insane dizzy spell that has left me on the ground. By myself I sit and I can't help but stare at the reflection in the mirror, who has reflected this hideous me. What happened? Where did it all go?
Once Upon A Time I had friends who loved being my friend, I had people who always talked to me and now it all has changed. Maybe all of this crying has made me into this horrific person that no one dares to step foot near. I wish oh how I wish venting and crying was more than enough to change everything back. - Maybe it's because I'm changing everyday with new feelings being explored and overcoming the challenges of being a human being who has to deal with stupid emotions. I hate having feelings, I wish they would go away. Then again, I like to have feelings...

Everyday I stand in front of the mirror and put on a new face for everyone to see. Despite my sorrows I always tend to smile. I don't think people really like that. I think I'm some annoying person that just bothers people. I talk a lot, and I like to laugh a lot, when I meet new people I have this bad habit of opening up to them about everything...when I'm upset about something, I constantly talk about it and never do I let it go until I convince myself it's time to move on. Maybe I'm just too bright. I should dim it down a bit.
Tone myself down, to keep myself normal, to blend in.
I don't want to blend in.
But if it's to be liked, might as well. *shrugs*

Maybe if I put on a ton of make-up [which I don't even do unless I'm having some strange photo-shoot with myself] and be the "pretty" yet "weird" me people will like me more. - Heh, here I go again, arguing back and forth with myself 'cause I'd just tell myself this is stupid. And it is.

No matter what, I can't Scream how I feel. I can't cry in front of the person that has dragged me down. I can't. I have to stand above it all, avoid people like hella-crazy and try to not make things more awkward for people who started it all.
Maybe I was some big mistake, which I have been told before. Not from the person themselves just from third party spectators.
All I want is to make this all go away, I cannot, and I refuse, go back to the days where I would be this depressed lump of crap that felt sorry for herself yet never showed it. My internal self CANNOT take it any longer. I'm probably going mentally insane. I have this insane greed for wanting everyone to like me. And when one person falls off then I'm off balance. This happened before when one of my friends stopped talking to me. And when she came back, it honestly didn't matter much cause I convinced myself that it doesn't matter anymore, even though I felt so off balance.
But now, I feel balanced. - Well, did.

With another person trampling me mentally on my life it hurts so much that I can't help but not sustain the feelings anymore. I can't get angry anymore, or laugh it off and say "oh well"
I CAN'T.
I lost a friend.
That is that. No more feelings than a feeling that I will no longer talk to this person anymore, I cannot confide in this person, ANYMORE.
Losing a Best Friend SUCKS.
And I don't want my other friends to go through what I'm going through.

I think I just went to hell and back and survived.
Letting go of these tears would seriously help.

Oh the irony...
I hate this feeling..



I'm done venting my sorrow...



for now.