If I aint got nothin' to lose.

Mood: Irritated
Music: Andrew W.K.-She is beautiful

Oh my god, if it's one thing to have a friend who likes you to the point where you try really really hard to say; "I don't really like you"
Turns around and says "I want a relationship with you" It is super annoying!
No offense, the kid is super fun, cause we hung out today and had some super duper laughs. But I could tell he wanted me to say I liked him back.
I don't know what to do..
I just want to slam my head down on this desk over and over again!
What the hell do I do? I am not going to stop talking to him, that's super mean and plus Matt hasn't asked that of me yet...
Hmm..all I can do is just talk about Matt and make him think I'm not interested?
I didn't think this was going to come back to me..
But it makes me wonder;
Am I seeing this from someone else's perspective from when I went through this?
How ironic..

Yet he is moving back to New York and going back to Cornell University.
This kid is super smart, I have no idea why he even finds me the least bit attractive, I'm trying really hard to just make him dislike me but not in that kind of way.
Leaning on the friendship side.


Ugh!



In other life-news...
Matt came home today and oh god, he's hot! lol, I never realized it before but when I was walking the dog outside at Matt's house he pulled up music blasting and I looked at him and said; "Hey sexy! Whatchu doin around here?!"
He laughed but after he parked his car he hugged me so tightly that I felt like I was in the most perfect place.
There is no where I'd rather be than in Matt's arms, I feel perfect and it's a comfy match.
I love my Pumpkin head.

I bought him this Punisher comic book styled huge poster and it was the cutest thing to see his face light up [and his dad's..] they were both so ecstatic about it that I felt like I made the right choice in gift for him.
I love my boyfriend :]
And tomorrow after work around 7:30 is Domi-Day/Night
:D
Super stoked :D

<3



I'm pretty much floating around cloud 9 right now..

Hah :]

Out of the blue.

I am loved and will always find different kinds of love.

A boy from my school came to visit me at work today. It was really really weird, lol.
I was leaning on the wall in the crew room, mouth open ready to take a bite into my pineapple pizza from Papa Johns that Shawn bought [Shawn is the manager who flew in from Chicago] when i looked to my right and saw Azzy [the boy from school] standing right there staring at me with the biggest goofy smile ever on his face. It was quite embarrassing though, but amusing. I totally stumbled over my words and put down my pizza and walked towards him, asking him what he was doing here but then I forgot about our conversation yesterday...

[flashback:]

Before our teacher let us out of class yesterday, Azzy [pronounced Ozzy] who sits next to me in class leaned over and asked me if it was okay if he asked me a question after class. I said sure no big deal, not realizing what it could be.
So once our teacher let us out we stood in the hallway and looking up at him I asked him what was up.
Azzy looked at me dead in the face and kind of had a slight confident smile on and asked me if I could go out with him sometime. Immediately I smiled and tried really hard not to laugh, only because I should have saw it coming by the way he wanted to "ask" me something, I choked out the words, "As what?!"
Completely throwing him off and I think I made him feel terrible, so I then said, "As friends right? Because I have a boyfriend." So after that part of clearance, he said "Yeah, sure just to get to know each other better."
I felt bad for saying it so straight forward but it needed to be done

[end flashback]

I basically told him where I worked after we exchanged numbers so he could text me if he'd like [I'm seriously way too nice] and so it was obvious as to how he knew I was working.
We talked a little bit about work and stuff..I don't really remember much because it wasn't really much.
He looked a bit tense and I told him to loosen up cause I was already talking about everything about me. Azzy said he was trying but I could tell he was just nervous.
Well, time passed and I had to take in a group for a game so we said our goodbyes.
Later on during the night he sent me a text and said this;
[referring back to my text]

"You can't imagine how much it sucks that you have a bf lol
Don't take this the wrong way but I really like you."

What other wrong way could I have taken it?!
I didn't respond back and he was afraid he said too much, and as me being too nice I told him it was okay and it was no problem, but I did say to stop liking me because in the end he'd get hurt.
And it's happened to me before so I am just looking out for others to not get crushed as I did. I especially don't want it to be my fault.

But anyway, my assistant Manager, Shawn got a kick out of the guys trying to bark up my tree. Then again I've grown and learned a lot so I know how to scare them away. Somewhat and to convince them that friendship is the way to go.
Then again some don't want to be my friend cause the only purpose was to get in my pants. How gross.
Thank God I can see past it all.

I wish I could have some nice good tea, curl up in my bed and forget time existed and have the whole world love me for me and not hate me, while I read a book with nothing on my shoulders.
Maybe just maybe life would be good then.
Till then, who knows?




~~~~~~~~~~

I wanted to post this:
Me and Gustavo from yesterday. He said he loved how his hair looked. What a dork :P

Wishful Thinking...

I feel out of place, misplaced and scattered about. I have no idea where to look or what to think or even how to feel. My moment of actual bliss has faded and has faced me with the harsh reality that I can never have. My face is plastered to the glass wall that I constantly stare through towards the other side of what I wish I could have. But people are different and people will be people. Selfish, unreliable and complete liars. The sadness that spreads across my face cannot fade at the moment for anything. I thought for once things could work out and finally be cleared. I guess I thought wrong or I try way too hard. I feel pathetic trying to patch things up with so many people that the attempts are all of a sudden in vain and I feel worthless. My body pushes away from what saddens me so and I lean against the wall, dragging my body down to the floor. An empty space that could be filled. The empty space I called my future hope. It's dusty and nothing has appeared yet. I miss those old people who made me feel like I was worth something. The people or person who mattered a lot. Sobs just tear through me and again the loss feels pathetic. What a big mistake, the biggest mistake of my life. If only feelings didn't have to be so strong. If only there weren't others in my way of my goal. If only people could feel the way I feel now. Then maybe understandings could be crossed.
Too bad it might not happen.

Self-esteem has been brought down upon me and I feel like a mess. I can't help but hunch my shoulders and brace my head against my knees and close my eyes as the tears flow down my cheeks staining my jeans. Emotions are too much for me to handle. I wish there were some way of an escape. Just some way...

I just can't find it out there anymore...
If people weren't so fickle and untrue, then maybe I could find it. But I'm swimming in memories that it's tearing me apart. As much as I want to laugh, I cry instead. And I have to just hold onto what I have left and make the most of it. I don't want to lose anymore and be sad anymore. I want to smile and run across a field full of flowers and laugh holding hands with the people I love. Enjoying every minute of never ending happiness. Falling in love over and over with people I want to love. So much I want and more...
But I can only have a hand-full of what I have been given.

Yet, as I stare up at the stars I think of you and in-vision you. I wish I could see you and tell you about how much I miss you. Or talk about all the things I want to talk about or even listen to what they have to say. I just miss you and I wish you could come back.
But those are all wishes..and wishes might come true. Just might.
So in the meantime...
I'll just go on and keep on thinking of you but there is nothing I could honestly do.

In[somniac]sane Weekend.

Slight hallucinations aren't such a big deal once you jump in your bed and get as much rest as you possibly can.

I spent my entire Saturday night at my job. Pretty entertaining don't you think? Playing with a group of teenagers, some of skanky standards, even to pedophile level. I couldn't believe my eyes nor my ears when my assistant manager got a kick out of one of the mentors fake boobs. Boys will be boys.

This assistant manager actually lives in Chicago and just travels as an assistant manager from my job. I got to know him a lot better just an hour into our shift. We sat outside talking about basic things in our lives, mainly what interests us, relationship status, what we do for fun and so on and so forth. I actually had a liking for him, he was fun and wasn't one of those rigid type, follow the rules kind of manager. I felt at ease and there were no moments of awkward silence. Although he did ask if I am always as upbeat and bubbly as I seemed, admitting it was embarrassing. But he did encounter the silent, focused and serious side of me by the end of the night [mainly morning] but he heard me complain too [lol]
The moment I got home, my body was so accustomed to me just "going" and never stopping that I didn't even want to go to bed. But after much persistence from my dad I hopped into bed. The moment my head hit my pillow it took FOREVER for my body to settle down and realize that it needed to go into sleep mode. After much deliberation and sheep counting, I calmed my mind from it's frenzied made up scenarios and relieved my body of it's duty of staying awake. I crashed. But only to be woken up two hours later, going back to bed for another two hours. Making it the most incredible crankiest Sunday of my life. I was miserable beyond belief. But to make this Sunday, 10 x better was the fact that my parents finally changed my room around, hooked up my cable and decided to surprise me with the phone of my choice! The Samsung Black Jack II
I was e-static! :]
I feel terribly spoiled, but a part of me knows there won't be many Birthday or Christmas presents coming my way this year.
But definitely a trip to Disney World though! I'm excited!
:]

In other news: Matt is coming home this weekend! I get to spend time with him all the way until Tuesday! I am so stoked! :]
I missed him so much!

And another event in the news, the boy who sits next to me in National Government introduced himself to me the moment our Professor turned out the lights and put on a movie. His name is Ozzie and it was quite random. At least I have two friends now in that class. :]

Well, I am tired and it's off to bed for me.
Before I go though, I decided to show you a before and after of my room:



Oh, also DJ and Me from last week Sunday :]


[we were at a red light, of course I pay attention when driving to Starbucks :D ]

The Love Letter.

I came across this letter...that made my heart swell up so much that it could no longer contain the feelings I thought I could only feel.
When I came across an entire enveloped full of overflowing love letters from Matt back when we first started dating. I just had to share this one, only one because it wasn't really written to me, but more like him writing to let his feelings out for himself.
And I just wanted to share it with you;

May 15

[In the front of the letter, folded up, with my name on it, it said: "And I still don't know how I got somebody so beautiful it's amazing I don't believe it BLINDED by her brilliant beauty. My pretty girl is so amazing the way I get a cute love and to actually fall in love with such a gorgeous woman love.]

Now to the actual letter:

May 15

"...was writing notes...but I can't focus. This girl...what is with this? It's like, I had already decided, I mean I had realized before. Years ago realized or thought that I would never feel it. I thought, I will go through life, relationship after relationship without ever feelings this, Love. I accepted it with a broken heart. But wait, what's with this girl? She made me wrong. Never did I think I could feel like this. But this girl...she has me feeling new things. I'm SO in love with her. It's like, she makes me happier than I ever thought I would get. I thought only dark days ahead. But she is a shining light. A beautiful light. An Angel. No, not AN Angel...MY Angel...she saved me..she's pulled me up...I was so far down in the depths, the abyss..never did I think I could be lifted this high...I can't get her smile off my mind...damnit...I'm in love. Christ all mighty am I in love! and I don't know how to explain how happy it makes me.
-I hope she never leaves..

An entry from,
Matt the Homicidal Lover Boy."


-He'll probably get embarrassed that I put this on here..but I can't help but smile so much when I read this.
I hope it never gets old, or too mushy.
It just made me feel really really good.

Accidental Superstition.

Last night I felt so uneasy, I felt like I was being watched in the middle of the night. I would wake up and look around and in the corners of my eyes I would see shadows whiz past me. I could have been wrong, after all I do wear glasses so things were a bit blurry in the dark...
I felt the worst, I wanted to somewhat cry because it was the same feeling I get when usually something bad ends up happening. I kept shifting in my bed while I was on the phone with Matt, explaining how this feeling was bothersome. He just told me to relax and try to get some rest, after all I did have a test the next day.
So I eventually tried to ignore whatever type spirit thing that was making me feel uneasy to rest and in the back of my mind.

I found it quite odd that today, September 18 was one of the most odd yet best days I could have ever had in the entire month of September; one month before my birthday.
Maybe it's a sign of good luck? I'm not quite sure, things suddenly fell into place that I had in visioned. It went from enjoying my smooth ride to places and relaxing to the music I had suddenly fell in love with. From singing my new favorite song; "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, my day just kept on getting better and better.
Not one of those I found 20 dollars on the floor, just one of those the people around you are breaking the ice, friends with girlfriends still are staying your friend even though their girlfriend's hate you, taking a test, feeling so confident in myself. Walking in the rain and staring at the sunset having the biggest smile on my face as the sun rays kissed my face driving home. No one driving insanely, just one big smooth ride home. Strangers looking at me smiling at me, trying to strike up conversations. Maybe I've been glowing with happiness that it makes people want to get closer to me.
I've been improving some flaws within me lately. I've tried to take the focus off of me and focus more on how people are feeling and what their needs are besides my own. I appreciate things a lot more and it means so much to me to just have a simple smile being shot across the hallway, my way. Everything feels so beautiful, smells a lot better, feels a lot better. And the only reason why I'd ever want to cry in this amazing mood I'm in is because I'm so happy to feel so comfortable for once among all this insane chaos that was once inside of me a couple days ago have now fizzled out and has become vapor.
I'm so happy, feeling the love and since tomorrow I have no class I think I'm going to go for a drive and to just feel so relaxed. I think it's going to rain, but that part is even better.
I'm so happy, finally in so many months I am truly happy.

Thank you so much..
This smile can't be wiped off my face for awhile.

Raging War.

In the right corner we have The Thesis Statement Chapter and to the left we have Judaism and how it all came to be. In the North-West Corner we have the different types of Art and in the South-West corner we have the Declaration of Independence. This 4x4 showdown doesn't seem to look too good with no alliances what-so-ever. It's the smack-down of the month.


Basically, things aren't working out too well, well the whole organization of time actually. I feel like I have things down-packed, but with so much time on my hands I should be more focused on reading ahead in chapters that were assigned by my professors. Then again, I still am a teenager and I have teenager needs. -When handling a job and earning money, all I want to do is spend spend spend. But after I spend, spend, spend, I end up crying, crying, crying. Watching my money go down into the gas for my car.
Damn, I wish I could just pour in something else cheap in my car to get it running.

Thank goodness for engineers. I thought about becoming one..and it's not the fact that I may not have to intellectual standard at my age, it has just become one of those "do I really want to rack my brain for the rest of my life" kind of thing. And, I'd rather do that than sit at home and watch tax collectors take my money.

There is so much going on right now that I can't really describe it all now because I am in the midst of studying. It was just those things that were fogging up my head in the whole situation of me studying.
Now that it is all down on "paper", I am ready to roll again.

Enlightened.

I didn't realize that I really do love the friends I've got.
lol, I can never stop smiling or feel the way they make me feel. Especially Mario.
Seriously, ever since I started working at LQ I befriended him way long ago and we are good friends. I tell him everything and in return he tells me everything. I help him, he helps me. Pretty sweet. This morning I saw him online and he said he was heading over there to get his paycheck and I thought, 'Hey why not?'
So, off I went and met up with him. Our Managers thought it was funny cause we were both still in our pajamas, kinda. We looked so lazy, our Managers laughed and we made some jokes and then on our way out I put on my sunglasses (you know, the big ones I got for Christmas) and my Manager looked at me and said, "You are going to be in my play, you look like a movie star, (insert laugh here)". I thought he was just making fun of me, but he wasn't, he was totally serious. (Here at Laser Quest we make music videos, plays and other things to send to Corporate, in Canada, and just show that we are the best LQ group with great entertainment.) He said I looked like Audrey Hepburn and it was pretty awesome that he said he liked my glasses rather than laughing at them, like some people have to get out of their system. (*cough*Noelle*cough*)
:)

Anyway, I'm just hanging around my house until my Mom gets home and my family comes down and we celebrate two birthdays! Speaking of birthdays...I really can't wait for mine :]
I really want to go to Plaster Carousel, but Matt wants to take me to Disney's MGM. But I don't know, I really want to spend my birthday with my family and friends and go to Disney a different weekend. Sorry Matt, love you much but lol, I don't do this often.
Well, I need to go and practice my new song I wrote.
Talk about busy day.- Or not. :]

It's not so easy...

Maybe something is wrong with me. I was probably born to be this abnormal person who constantly constantly CONSTANTLY cannot deal with emotions any more.
It is driving me apart and throwing me all around in this insane dizzy spell that has left me on the ground. By myself I sit and I can't help but stare at the reflection in the mirror, who has reflected this hideous me. What happened? Where did it all go?
Once Upon A Time I had friends who loved being my friend, I had people who always talked to me and now it all has changed. Maybe all of this crying has made me into this horrific person that no one dares to step foot near. I wish oh how I wish venting and crying was more than enough to change everything back. - Maybe it's because I'm changing everyday with new feelings being explored and overcoming the challenges of being a human being who has to deal with stupid emotions. I hate having feelings, I wish they would go away. Then again, I like to have feelings...

Everyday I stand in front of the mirror and put on a new face for everyone to see. Despite my sorrows I always tend to smile. I don't think people really like that. I think I'm some annoying person that just bothers people. I talk a lot, and I like to laugh a lot, when I meet new people I have this bad habit of opening up to them about everything...when I'm upset about something, I constantly talk about it and never do I let it go until I convince myself it's time to move on. Maybe I'm just too bright. I should dim it down a bit.
Tone myself down, to keep myself normal, to blend in.
I don't want to blend in.
But if it's to be liked, might as well. *shrugs*

Maybe if I put on a ton of make-up [which I don't even do unless I'm having some strange photo-shoot with myself] and be the "pretty" yet "weird" me people will like me more. - Heh, here I go again, arguing back and forth with myself 'cause I'd just tell myself this is stupid. And it is.

No matter what, I can't Scream how I feel. I can't cry in front of the person that has dragged me down. I can't. I have to stand above it all, avoid people like hella-crazy and try to not make things more awkward for people who started it all.
Maybe I was some big mistake, which I have been told before. Not from the person themselves just from third party spectators.
All I want is to make this all go away, I cannot, and I refuse, go back to the days where I would be this depressed lump of crap that felt sorry for herself yet never showed it. My internal self CANNOT take it any longer. I'm probably going mentally insane. I have this insane greed for wanting everyone to like me. And when one person falls off then I'm off balance. This happened before when one of my friends stopped talking to me. And when she came back, it honestly didn't matter much cause I convinced myself that it doesn't matter anymore, even though I felt so off balance.
But now, I feel balanced. - Well, did.

With another person trampling me mentally on my life it hurts so much that I can't help but not sustain the feelings anymore. I can't get angry anymore, or laugh it off and say "oh well"
I CAN'T.
I lost a friend.
That is that. No more feelings than a feeling that I will no longer talk to this person anymore, I cannot confide in this person, ANYMORE.
Losing a Best Friend SUCKS.
And I don't want my other friends to go through what I'm going through.

I think I just went to hell and back and survived.
Letting go of these tears would seriously help.

Oh the irony...
I hate this feeling..



I'm done venting my sorrow...



for now.

Never ending feelings..

I'm pretty happy at the moment.
My friendship with Nys is ten times better than it ever was when I first started working with her. We've got a bunch of inside jokes, a couple of dances and we make little kids look bad with our kid voices.
It's a little bit awkward at times, but it'll pass eventually. My Assistant Manager basically kicks ass, lol.
With us being short, we are Fun Sized and make all the guys we work with laugh.
It keeps the mood light.
I love my job, and no one else probably has it better than I do at 18!

Anyway,
I'm hoping Matt comes down to visit soon, I miss him dearly. I know I could drive up there but I don't know how that is going to work anytime soon with my gas money declining with each pay check I have to give my dad.
Hmph..

Well, I should finish my Art Appreciation Homework and study more on Judaism for my World Religion class.
Yay, I start Government and English tomorrow :]
How exciting.


A part of me wished and wished that Hurricane Ike was going to hit.
But a part of me is glad cause I love me some power :]
meaning light...

Hehehe....

i love who i have become...

My world feels like those balloons...all over the place but feeling free.



A new voice has come about and the songs can never leave. Singing has become a big passion and with the help with a few vocal lessons it has turned me into the singing bird. -It is quite a new feat for me. I can't help the urge of singing anywhere I go. The best part of all- they say I sing well! Woo hoo! That is +2 pts for my confidence. But the bad part is that I am still shy to sing in front of anyone, except myself.

Hmm...


On another note, creativity has flown faster through my veins and I can't help but feel the colors swirl in my eyes. I love vintage looks and my photography is taking on an old 70s feel.
I need to be out there more so more people know about me.
I just can't wait till I can change others perspectives on how I view our world, it's problems and the true beauty inside it all. The best part is that I can't wait to travel all over the world.
Italy and Ireland are definitely one of the first stops.


Look out for many new photos and maybe poems that can become songs :]
I'm just trying out some new things to get a feel for the things I don't want to feel I missed out on. -Oh and teaching myself guitar is going to be a toughie for me :-/
But I'm confident in myself as well.

The World is my canvas and I can paint any picture I desire that pleases me.

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves."

Growth.

I can finally say that I am happy and in a "bliss-full" mood. No one can bring me down or make me feel horribly upset. Yesterdays sorrows are today's strengths, all my thoughts of making amends to others have washed away with the oceans waves. My love has scattered and my heart is now unwavering, the tears have dried and I feel stronger once again. As I imagine myself sitting on a stone boulder facing outwards towards the oceans never ending scenery, wind whips my hair around my face playfully and I ponder my life and all of its roller coaster feelings of excitement. Finally, I feel free of the chains and I have the love wrapped around me tightly, binding once again. My eyes scan the waves for answers and it answers me. Free as a bird, high spirited, carefree, laughing, smiling-that all defines me. I have been so high-strung and now I have cut the ties. Friends make it possible. And as I stare out to the East I have nothing more than the whispers of the wind playing upon my back. Life is good although some friendships have been lost, I can't help but feel relieved. This new found freedom in my heart has made this journey an exciting one. As I stand and stare one last time at the old remnants of fun times, I look towards my future that was once behind me, now in front of me. A smile on my face, never to look at the past again.
I love me and all the inhabitants of love that have grown inside of me.
Sometimes I can't help the smile that is spread across my face.