The Race.

I feel a bit deprived of my camera right now. I finally sent my Canon into the Canon shop to be repaired. I hope he isn't cold alone and lonely, but I am pretty sure he is making new friends with other defective cameras like him. But Canon's step brother and sister are here to the rescue, taking photos with a point and shoot method. They are not so bad, I just hope to have my camera back by Saturday after the SAT!
D:
Oh dear, I have been lacking in studying in the past 3 days...I really need to cram as much picking apart and pacing myself as I was the past couple of weeks. I am going to DJ's on Wednesday to do more practice but I really really really need to just ace this thing and get into UCF. My dream place to be! I'm really hoping for a 1560-1600 realistically. But my ideal goal would be a 2300. I could do it if I wanted to but it's seriously crunch time.

Besides me panicking about the SAT, I will celebrate Halloween by giving out candy to the little critters in my Alice costume. I did want to go to Laser Quest, but we have an All-Dayer for a group. I just might stop by in my costume to say Hi, that's about it though... I want to go trick-or-treating with a lot of others! I am looking for friends that are not doing anything that night. But I am going to be studying after I dress up and stuff..so it won't be a long night.
I'm excited and nervous all at the same time! I think it's time for a nice bubble bath after this blog!

In other random news...I am getting sick AGAIN, but it feels like a spotty sickness..
Like patchy showers popping up here and there, it's insane.
Ah! Robot Chicken is on..which means that it's after midnight! Crap!
Well, I just have a reminder for myself to finish the end of chapter questions, print out Mid-term exam tomorrow morning, write an opinion paper for government. Find a picture to draw in art class tomorrow, anddd find a research topic and write a 250 word proposal on it and finish argument essay [750-1,000 words]


Sounds like a lot but I can breeze through it! And off I go!

My Birthday Weekend <3

Birthdays are so much fun. But when you finally realize that you are 19, and have one more year of being a teenager, the onlooking road is quite scary...
I was at Matt's house after midnight on Friday, so Matt, Donna and Adam were the first to say "Happy Birthday!" and we celebrated that good hour into the day eating spaghetti noodles and watching the "Late Show" in the kitchen sitting on high stools with our feet dangling.
When I went home I passed out like that! *snaps* and woke up dead as dead can ever get. My Mommy came into my room saying "Happy Birthday Dom!" And then my phone wouldn't stop ringing and the texts flooded out my phone. It was nice to know some people remembered *is acting as if she never posted it on FB* How sweet...
Well, I basically wanted time to go by as fast as it could because I wanted to just get over to Plaster Carousel and have my party. So after driving my Mom's new Honda Pilot, helping my grandparents put beads on a chandelier and being chaotically swarmed with younger cousins, I tossed them into the SUV and drove back to my house and then my Mom, Dad and Brother were all ready to go to Plaster Carousel. Woo Hoo!
My Dad drove us as Serena, Bella and Jessica couldn't stop talking about who knows what. Just a bunch of gabs about who sucks at what, that was when Bella pulled my sunglasses off my face and put them on...immediately I scrambled for my camera while she made a pose and I took a snap. It is the most amazing photo ever and made everyone laugh!
After all the laughs we reached to our destination and from there the kids ran loose and paints were everywhere! But when Matt and all of my other friends came and Matt's Mom and Aunt it was this really funny but fun painting in kindergarten type scene.
My Dad took some pics and so did Sadia, I didn't have time to take any photos which makes me sad because I was trying to keep my cousins very happy and some of my friends. When it's your birthday it's hard to distribute the attention equally...
Soon after my party ended I went to Matt's house instead of my own with Amal, Miguel and Aaron. We all played war in his house with a Nerf gun as soon as Mike came over. It was SO much fun!
I must say it was as much fun as I'll ever have as I get older...

Even though there is so much else I want to say..I'm just too tired to even finish.
But that was my birthday! And I wouldn't have traded it for anything! <3

2 more days...till my birthday. Bring on the cake!

Me: "I should blog right now"
Noelle: "Doooo it, Live from a Robotics meeting!"
Me: "Lawl [really el oh elling] okay"

Not much really goin' on here... *doo dee doo doo...* I made a bunny, and named it Jeff Bunni. I showed DJ, lol. He said and I quote; "Damn all you artistic people!" :D
It made me laugh *insert Emile's laugh here*

I can't wait till my birthday :] Lots of paints and swimming going on...
Little kids running insanely around with paints on their hands, my pictures are going to come out AMAZING. I wish I got my Canon fixed though. :( My Mom has been busy with work and demoing the kitchen. And since she's been demoing the kitchen my party has to be at Plaster Carousel [the place to paint].
I am just going to look forward to some ice cream cake and presents.

Anyway, since there is nothing going on as of now except people walking around and boring me [except writing on Noelle's notes, well drawing really...] I'm going to go back to talking & I'll blog when I get home after class and after I celebrate my Mom's birthday.
Pictures will be up either here or on Flickr.

An essay for English

I wanted to share with you my essay on my most favorite place...
Here you go..

Calm quiet soothing silence, with embracing warmth dancing around and swirling behind curtains. No one dare to disturb, disrupt or even displease this moment of bliss. To create with a colorful pallet of imaginary thoughts, in control of the whispers and smiles, the freedom to dare or to speak the truth...In a state where I can return to anytime of the day and still enjoy thoughtless adventures. Secured by feathers twined with cotton, it is easy to breathe and calm myself in a state of unconsciousness. Sky blue surrounds the midnight sky, in a room that has been claimed by a human being. Not just any room, but a bedroom, a place where I belong and feel most comforted, a place where I claim all that is mine and have the luxury of doing what I please. Becoming the place that I favor the most among all things.

12 x 12, a perfect square room, painted sky blue across the wall with slight decor of fairies and flowers. The perfect fantasy for any child growing up, still my favorite place to be as I still grow. Within this vast space is a small desk next to a perfect square window, facing South. Not just any desk of fundamental potential to help enhance the human brain, a unique wooden desk that is the nest for books, sketchbooks and paints. An artist's domain. This is a part of my room I go to when I'm feeling down, creative or just in the mood to express myself. Locked in my fairytale land with a blank slate in front of me, the pallet of colors come to life and I create my own illusions. My eyes become wild with joy as I paint and create art that comes to life in my brain. My room, still calm and quiet, with soothing music of Claude Debussy in the background now. A faint and subtle sound of Classical notes that dance along the walls of my own bedroom that allow my fantasy on paper build to life.

Once complete, I find myself engaged in front of a tall mirror that sits on top of my Princess designed dresser. There where I stand next to my closet door and next to the same window facing West, I find freedom of speech and the freedom of imagination. For hours on end I would be locked up in my room and I would sing and act. Letting go of my most wild imaginations, allowing the vivid images get the best of me. Disney songs of Sleeping Beauty and the Little Mermaid run through every fiber of my being as I want to one day be like them. Enjoying the sweet sound of my own voice singing through, softly echoing against the walls of my domain and I stare at the envying girl reflected back at me. A smile spreads across my face and the girl in the mirror does the same. Another simple pleasure I enjoy in this moment of thoughtless adventure.

But when the sun says goodnight, and the stars come out to play, I retire to the most thankful invention on Earth. Secured by feathers that have been twined with cotton, my body is able to relax, breathe easy and calms me into a state of unconsciousness. My mattress molding my body within its pillow top fabric, I can feel my body slowly shutting down. Yet, my mind is still frenzied while it wraps up the day in its own way. I let the days events play in my mind as my bed does its job of slowing things down. Soon, calming quiet soothing silence fills the room with the exception of a humming air conditioner and stand up fan, my lullaby. Buried in a sea of pillows and downy sheets, the smell of Snuggle is invigorating and inviting, becoming a pleasant sedative as I am sung to sleep. Calm quiet soothing silence, with embracing warmth dancing around and swirling behind curtains. No one dare to disturb, disrupt or even displease this moment of bliss in a room that holds all the illusions of my imaginations. A place that will never disappear and will always be here for me, a precious bedroom that will always bring me into an apparition in time.

Music Soothes Some Souls..

With all that has been going on I have chosen these songs for saving my sadness..

If you can't stand this music while reading my blog you can of course turn it off, in the meantime I am going to be putting some music together for my blog, much like this..and others.
Don't hesitate to give me an opinion.

Make it all go away..

If I were in a movie, I would rather be the character in the scene where the girl runs away across the field and into the forest to get away, trees whizzing past in a blur, still she runs. Vampires linger in the night and she is not afraid of them, only afraid of what she is running away from. That boy who offers her his heart and cannot do anything about it, afraid of rejecting him, she runs. So far away...her long white dress runs behind her. The girl tries so hard not to get caught into anything as she keeps on running till she reaches her destination, the old broken bridge that crosses over a deep jagged river down below. Still pumping with panic and fear the girl makes a jump for it, ending everything what would have seem to be the ending of the scene, the movie, ending her life and ending the painful feeling of love. With a high piercing sound of splashes and gurgling noises, to her dismay.. Only to survive the fall and go on in agony physically and mentally in her heart. The blood won't stop escaping her body but her heart won't stop pumping till she is drained of everything...
Darkness swims behind her eye lids, her body is numb from the frigid cold water and lies still...

Mental Breakdown.

I've got problems. Some big problems. Problems I refuse to talk to Matt about, to my Mom about to anyone about, except you dearest blog..
Problems that I get sad so easily and I feel like I'm the only one in the world that can only help myself. I get sad and I cry so much because I feel so worthless, I think back on past memories and cry about them, I cry because it is a release of emotion that boils inside of me and I can never escape. I hate memories, I wish someone would wash away with the tears I have shed. It is so annoying and bothersome.
But then I am turned around by friends who say they care so much about me and stare into my, what they call "big brown depths that take them away" eyes that belong to me tear filled, flooding out it's shade and the place their hands on my shoulders and say to stop. They love the smile on my face, it is the most fascinating amusement. They find my words interesting, it's interesting to them how I view life and live it and my opinion based on it. How I deal with situations....
What do I do when I am torn? I cannot deal with anything anymore, I feel overwhelmed, I feel like I can't make an impression on people, I can't deal with trying to stand out when all I want to do is curl up and hide away somewhere else. I'm tired of being made fun of, I'm tired of being the weird girl that is annoying.
I can't stand it anymore. I CAN'T.
Words hurt, they pierce the skin and break the mentality of what I can withstand, I just can't deal with anything anymore. This is my breakdown, and I can't stand being who I am. I don't like me. I don't want to do this anymore..
And I think I will just curl up in a corner and die a little on the inside.
I can't fake the smile on my face, I can't try hard to be friends with people anymore. I'm done, it's done. But I'm a hypocrite, tomorrow i will smile and shrug off hurtful words, I will laugh at everything and laugh at the taunting.
The feeling will melt away and I will shed a tear, move on, and stay smiling.
I will cry on the inside and when I am away from the public, I will cry in my room over and over and over again like I do every night and wake up smiling..
It's the cycle that never ends.

And neither will I.

And..ACTION!

This life is getting way too annoying.
It's one big drama set on a TV for people to read and enjoy the pleasures of insane emotional bitchy people.
Friendships are just roller coasters of emotions, a time well spent or a time that was meant to be so miserable. Nothing feels right with the new friends I made, I just want my old ones back. But...the old ones are not in my life for a reason. Because they chose someone else over me, technically making them non-worthy friends. Everyone makes mistakes, so why penalize them for it? I don't talk to some people when I see them online, if there is nothing to talk about I call it online awkward-ness if I try to strike up some random form of conversation it just doesn't work.
I have a strange personality, I tend to dwell too much on one thing and that is what sends me spiraling down into this moody sadness. Quite pathetic, I know...
Yet, I am the type of girl that laughs at everything and anything. Matt says it's a kind of happiness that relaxes everyone and tensions are gone. But when I'm sad, it's like the clouds on a rainy day covering the sun.
I am not looking forward to a disappointing birthday when all I wanted to do was spend time with my friends who are probably not going to show up. So it'll be a birthday party with my boyfriend's family, and my family but no friends.
I hate that so much, I hate how I feel like I am losing that bond between them.
::sigh::
Oh well, I found my sunshine and I am going to hold onto it for a long time and I am never letting go like I did months ago.




P.S.- Tide-To-Go is the most AMAZING invention ever and works magically! :D

Set in Place.

Birthday invites were sent out VIA e-mail. Now all I have to do is sit and wait and wonder if it is even worth it. I already got a few who can't go so it kinda sucks.
It'll just end up being a really REALLY small get together.

All I probably will end up getting is a ton of colorful balloons [which I want] a cake [ice cream cake preferably & cupcakes] no confetti :(
cause that's hard to clean and pizza...
If anyone wants to bring rockband you can, we'll end up playing in my room most likely. So that means no shoes in my room :P
Damn, I have to remember to put away my fur carpet :-/
Anyway, then after we hang out for a bit we are gonna go to Plaster Carousel [An arts and crafts place to paint] my Mom is going to take us or my dad or whoever has a car.
That might end up being a maybe as to who wants to show up...my little cousins are going so that is a plus. I haven't seen them in a month :(
::sigh::
I hate this whole situation cause it just might end up being like last year: Crap!
I'm going to fold some clothes and study.
That's all these days off are good for..
Hmph..

wishful wishlist..

I gave it much thought and I only have a few things I want for my birthday...

1. Sesame Ellis Photoshop Basic Set. [the whole set as seen here]

2. Sleeping Beauty DVD

3. Canon Rebel XT Macro Lens [seen here]

4. Canon Rebel XT Wide Angle Lens [seen here]

5. A Malti-Poo Puppy [much like this one]

6. A trip to Magic Kingdom - Disney.

7. Borders Gift Card

8. Target Gift Card

9. Forever 21 Gift Card

10. A Photographer to take pictures of ME for once...


See..all things are expensive. I told my parents I didn't want anything except my friends and family with me for my birthday.
If they can show up on my birthday at my house at 2pm then I will be truly happy.

Oh! And I made a list when I was playing with my tablet..



I have terrible Tablet handwriting :(

Oh and I want Edward Cullen
And I want Twilight to come out soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Birthday Plans?

Yesterday I realized my birthday is coming up...

Birthday plans have been talked about and hopefully will soon be set in stone. I was originally going to be away for the majority of my birthday weekend up in Orlando, but after a very long but successful talk with my Mom she wanted me to stay so we could spend time together.
Instead, the week after I am going up to Orlando with my Mom, brother and maybe some of his friends to go to IOA for HHN. But I am going to spend time with my Mom and maybe Matt over near Downtown Disney. I really want to buy some Minnie ears so I can wear them all over the place and take some amazing photos.
Anyway, for my birthday I am not going to really do anything big. I just want some friends over and maybe head over to Plaster Carousel, not as a party but as a big painting group get together. I only have 4 of my friends and 3 family members going to this because I sure do loveeee to paint. I hope Noelle gets to go because I can only get to Plaster Carousel around 2 or 3pm.
Maybe if they wanted to we can do something else but I am not sure yet. All I know is that we are all going to be at my house for something hopefully fun.

I'm a bit stressed out when it comes to going to work tomorrow to talk to Deadrick about me missing the Crew Meeting, but it's something that is already set in stone so there isn't anything he can do about it. I can't change the day or anything and I apologize for any inconvenience to the group.

Other than that, I need to take my camera in to Best Buy tomorrow so they can fix the software problem it's been having for months. A little cleavage and some brains never hurt anyone a part of the Geek Squad to fix my Canon Rebel XT EOS. It's my baby and I want it back before I head up to Disney. So I have to be "attracted" to in order to get my way and I know the attention it deserves. I got a defective camera and off it goes back to Canon for a fix.

Hmm..
I think I am going to start a birthday wish list soon...
So keep up to date for the things I want, lol.
I have to save the most expensive things for myself because I am not going to be held responsible for being a spoiled brat. If that makes any sense, whatsoever.

Hmm..but after tomorrow I have a long weekend ahead of me since I have no class on Thursday. But I do have to work..
Ugh..


Only 11 more days though! :]

Woo, that's a lot to take in...

Today at work was a longgggg one. A very long one..6 hours isn't so bad but it takes a toll on my feet especially with no break in between running through games.
I think that made me have some growing pains, I grew a half an inch.
I'm so close to 5'4, it's really insane but it makes me laugh. lol, I earned $20 today by a party dad who said I did such a good job with his 6-7 year old kids. That party was HUGE and I guess it was the fact that I was so enthusiastic with the kids and I thoroughly explained how the game works, helped them get ready and I made an interactive game out of the activators they use to activate their lasers and putting it in the bucket thing[Vortex]. I just love my job, it's perfect for me.

Which reminds me, I can't wait to go to UCF and work at Disney, that is going to be a total dream come true <3

After work I came home and the sky looked VERY angry...I decided on getting food since I felt a bit deprived. Expecting a dinner you know after a long work day wasn't happening at my house.
I settled on Wendy's after Letitia told me she had food :( [I planned on going to Sushi but that didn't happen] so off I went in the pouring rain [the Gods were very very angry] I listened to Jessica Simpson [of course, DJ would have a laugh] the whole way which made me happy :)
She has made me feel so inspired to do things I was once afraid to do, but with the help of Matt. I've learned to be vicious somewhat to boys and to tell them to back off. I'm so proud of myself because now I'm the one with the upper hand instead of feeling like some helpless kid cornered by a pedophile rapist that might make me succumb to their evil schemes. Maybe that's a bit much...but you caught my drift...

Besides that, I'm very happy to be me and a part of me doesn't care anymore if people don't end up liking who I am. I'm so past that and basically those people just won't see what they're missing out on! A friend like me isn't like that girl you met next door the other day. :P
Maybe I'm a bit full of myself but I'm just bouncing with happiness that it can't be taken from me.

I've been hacking up my lungs lately but that's not slowing me down! :D


I talked to Kenny about two nights ago and he wanted to know if I was going to Tempest in Tampa and I don't know if I am. He really wanted me to go, I guess he misses me. It'd be cool to go but, sadly since it's around after my birthday I probably won't go since I might visit Matt up at UCF.
And a tiny trip to Disney never hurt anyone but it's all ifs and maybes. :(

Orlando was in the plans though for the weekend of my birthday because Screamfest is that exact weekend. Since this Plaster Carousel idea is really iffy and the fact that I don't have enough money to pay for everyone I don't think I'm going to do it anymore.
Plus, everyone is busy with their jobs and school tests that it probably won't work out that great anyway.
It's funny and kinda sad how my birthday finally lands on a Saturday and I can't do anything about it :(
And since my parents are practically tearing down our kitchen to re-do it a party at my house is out of the question.

I need some birthday ideas.
Maybe a big party at Starbucks lol
Hah, like that would go over well.

I wish Twilight would come out this month, that could have been something to do.
*Shrugs*
Going to HHN wouldn't be so bad either, I've never been there before..
I need some birthday ideas! D:
Gimme some!

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Music: Andrew W.K. -It's time to Party

Mood: Thinking

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I forgot to mention, I went to the beach yesterday with Azzy, strange right?
We ended up getting past the "He likes me" phase with some help from Matt and finally had a normal day of just friends hanging out.
This is Azzy by the way...;

A tweek in fantasy.

The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep
I need to tell you
Goodnight

When we're together, I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue
I can't look away
As we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me

Domi, marry me
Promise you'll stay with me
Oh you don't have to ask me
You know you're all that I live for
You know I'd die just to hold you
Stay with you
Somehow I'll show you
That you are my night sky
I've always been right behind you
Now I'll always be right beside you

So many nights I cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me, I love myself
I never thought I would say this
I never thought there'd be
You
...

I need a You & I day.

"Lay in bed with the TV on, all day long if you wanted to.."

-Jessica Simpson's "You're My Sunday"

I feel like I'm being toyed with...
one minute I'm put together and then the next I'm just all over the place. Life is seriously taking its toll, yet a part of me is in god awful wonder. There is so much to say but not enough time nor can I find the words to speak of what I want to say.
I wish there could be a way to zap memories from my brain willingly rather than get in an accident and have amnesia.
I'm not liking this point in time right now and it's going to take awhile to get accustomed to it, or maybe it's going to annoy me till I can run away.
What I really want to do to get the message out and thrown across the table, so I found away I can express myself and that is through my new found love for music and singing.
I've been writing how I've been feeling lately and I want to make them into poems, songs and then soon sing them out loud and record it.
Maybe the pain is still in my veins and I want to cry all the time. I just want a hug and a smile and a way to make it all go away. Placing a wall between us, that I've been doing isn't working and it's only making the pain worse. Now it's hard to be away from you and it can't be that way.
I have someone and I can't hurt them again, but my heart is tearing itself apart and I just wish I could scream and fight and want you to see me but it won't work.
Every time I think of you, it used to be easy to forget but the pain is working it's way back to my heart.
If I didn't fall in love with you then things would have been easier to forget.

Life is like a hurricane.

Unclear thoughts
blurred from the mind
What I'd do to go back
and take you back as mine.

I'm always missing you
you're always on my mind.
I think it's a sin..
to think of you back as mine..

Clear blue skies
warm sunny days
running along the beach sand
your eyes glittering from the sun rays.

Shining eyes felt like they belonged to me,
that loving stare..
always made me feel like I was melting in.

Your soft skin on mine,
I never wanted you to leave.

Till that day,
the memories faded into the sunset.


I watched you walk away..
never to come back again.
But how I wished you had come back here
but I can't stand how you still are under my skin..

Tears filled my eyes,
I never stopped crying..
memories of you
just can't see to start dyin'


I shouldn't think of you of mine..
yet I still do..
what a silly way to think of you as mine..
Yet, I would do it too
if you'd want me to be yours
Yeah, I would do it again
Just so I could hold my heart close to yours..
and to just hold your hand..


[Edits will follow later..]

Vice Presidential Debate - here after though..

I had to just turn off the TV after an hour of listening in on the debate. It's not that I am not interested in it, it just gets frustrating when it ends up being a tennis match.
Governor Palin has messed up somewhat during this debate, she is clearly unaware of the majority of the issues being presented to her. She would stutter and clearly state the wrong answers in the midst of the debate. I have nothing against her, I just would have liked to see a woman who knew what was going on in the world and answer the questions much more clearer. Whereas Governor Biden is the same, he does answer questions related to the stated topics but him too seems to be playing tennis with Palin.
Don't get me wrong about who I am going to vote for, which I shall not state but a part of me wished that it didn't have to be such a racket ball competition. I know that's what a debate is all about, there are just too many issues at hand to consume all that is going on at this moment.
This blog probably didn't even make much sense anyway, lol.

Thoughtful..

Mood: Reflective sadness.
Music: Jessica Simpson- We might as well be making love

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Here is a more formal story to my day.
It basically consisted of work, studying and rain walking.

I've been sick since 2 days ago, but now my sore throat is gone, but my head is still spinning, sneezing has took place and the misery will soon follow after.
Besides this weird sickness that randomly came over me I have come to find something new I love.
There is something about singing that puts me in a new state of mind.
I'm loving every part of it because maybe that is what also help put my throat to rest.
And the fact that gum and mouth wash is the glory of all things..
I'm glad to at least be functioning tonight because last night I was really out of it.
Yesterday, I got super lucky that my English teacher didn't want to teach our class and sent us home early. So I drove home when the sun was still out at least...
Matt came over later that night to hang out with me. After giving me a bunch of Adam's Spider-man Comics we watched the David Letterman show, Family Guy, American Dad and then we watched my favorite show, True Blood. All on MY TV! :]
The episode was kind of gay because now it took a turning point of slowness.
I was really sick so Matt made me take Tylonol PM. Uh Oh, that knocked me out for the night. After my show ended he helped me brush my teeth [not really] and kind of tucked me into bed, I got up and locked the door. But I passed out after he called me and told me he was home.
That was a nice sleep at least...

Only to wake up and have to go to work, which I did.
It went by pretty fast cause I talked to Shawn the majority of the day about life and the way Laser Quest fundraises.
It was pretty cool, afterwards I went home and took my brother to his job and then went to class.
It sucked so much, pouring rain came down and flooded out the entire parking lot in front of the Performing Arts building. And since I was wearing a long skirt and flats, I had to think of something fast.
So, I pulled on my hoodie and took off my flats, stuffed them in my small bag and took my notes and shoved everything as well in my small bag and grabbed my umbrella. I strolled across the parking lot with my feet swishing through the cold water. It felt good even though I knew my feet would be dirty. That's why I took tissues with me to dry my feet, which I did.
My test took about 30 minutes to finish because Mr. Joseph did it as a group test.
Kind of odd and weird to explain it.

After my test I called Matt and headed over to his house [which was the longest drive of my life] for Rosh Hashana dinner. Once I got there there was so much stuff going on but it was pretty cool. I think his Dad is happy every time I step foot in the house, he's always smiling when he sees me. That makes me super happy to know I'm loved :D
Mike, Matt and I sat next to each other, with me in the middle when we had a long discussion with Matt's cousin, Lauren about a boy from our old high school named, Alan. Then we talked about the meaning of "Meandering" lol
That conversation was the funniest. Mike is way too funny, lol.
I think that conversation ended dinner. Mike and I made an agreement that Matt would be his at 9:30, but time went by way too fast and Mike and Matt started to play Halo 3, while I went on Matt's computer sifting through old pictures of me and him from when we first started dating..
There was so many different memories going through my head and I smiled the whole time.
I've come a long way when it came to Photography and our relationship. And the way I've changed. I feel so different. I feel like I'm someone new.
I love it. But at the same time I'm sad about it.


Oh well,
Anyways, Azzy kept on texting me and calling me. I complained to Matt about how it was really bothering me that he now was starting to act like he owned me and that pissed Matt off a lot that he called Azzy back [not being an asshole though] and said "Can you back off a little because Dom asked me to call you and tell you that. She can talk to you about this when SHE is ready, you don't need to be on her for anything." - That's all I heard but basically Azzy was being really pushy about me not talking to him so Matt kind of had to put him in his place. I did it really cause I texted him and told him to just back off and be my friend.
After our conversation he understood and we made an agreement to talk about our lives and have a better understanding of each other that way we can be better friends.
It's kind of weird but it seems to be working that way. And besides I have class with him tomorrow so we'll see how it goes.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

I suddenly feel so overwhelmed again with emotions.
Emotions that are basically a waste of my time.

Sometimes I find myself sitting on my floor, my head leaning against my bedroom wall above my bedroom window listening to Jessica Simpson's new CD.
This one song in particular makes me sing from my heart along with her..
called, "When I loved you like that"
It brings me back, way back to so many emotions. And a part of me wished I didn't have to feel it.
Now I'm sad because I wish Matt were here to just stay and keep me company.
It's so hard to be alone and on my own, I used to want to be free and learn how to love others.
I have learned that I can't deal with it, I can't fake myself and try hard to not make things awkward between me and a new person. It's hard to learn how to ease into a relationship again. But then, I could not help the one thing that was forever raging within me. It was my feelings and my love grew way too much when the other didn't grow so fast. Which was what made my fall harder than normal.
I had cried and lied to Matt about how I felt, and the reasons why I cried so much when the truth was behind my lips and through songs that reminded me of those times.
Now with him by my side it's easy to forget, but when alone I am reminded and it just bothers me so much..
Because that song "When I loved you like that" plays..
I just relive it over and over again. -Sometimes I wish you knew how I felt, and how I still feel.
Maybe time will tell how this fire in me will die slowly.
I want it to die so badly, I bet yours died already.
But I treasure so many people in so many ways, so my Gem can't be melted that easily.

A sickly run-on thought..

My heart remains where it's at, but my mind wanders with thoughts of you.
I feel like I'm falling away with you...
But you don't have me, no, you walk away from me.
Did you ever know the truth about how I felt?
Or did you think I told you everything?

Secrets locked away behind my lips
I felt my body tremble when you'd touch me with your fingertips.
There was no other feeling than the feelings I felt for you,
There once was love, now,
is forever gone.

I'm not sure if you ever knew how much I fell for you,
The swelling feeling in my heart made it explode.
And I finally fell apart..

I did it all for you-

-------------

I can't figure out a stupid melody or flow for this broken piece of music I've been writing up for the past 3 minutes.
Tomorrow I'm pretty sure Azzy is going to create a melody for it.
Oh wait, you have no idea what is going on now do you?

After much frustration with this boy who I had to basically tell to "fuck off" was done by me, with some pushing from Matt.
Hey it worked, now where do I begin?
Well, Azzy sings and plays guitar and piano. Pretty sweet right?
I might as well feel like I'm taking much advantage but I'm kinda not.
He heard me sing and said he wanted to hear me sing again. I used to suck but now with some singing lessons it's improved somewhat. lol
So I have been making up songs on how I've been feeling lately or just in the past. But the current feelings of love and betrayal run through my veins heavy and steady.
-That's a good line *writes that down*
lol, Besides that...
I've been thinking of Fundraising ideas at LQ for 108. :]
I hope they all love it cause I've been working hard on this! :]

I can barely type or make sentences make sense right now, another excuse for this is that I'm sick and I can't think straight.
So keeping this thought running I'll end it here...


But before I go I came across a picture on Matt's computer of me and my hand puppet, George.
This brings back so many memories when I used to work at Target back when I was 16.
All of my friends would laugh at me cause I'd play with it so much that even one of my co-workers bought it for me..
His name was George the Dragon and may he be resting in pieces in the dump somewhere on 95...