Wishful Thinking...

I feel out of place, misplaced and scattered about. I have no idea where to look or what to think or even how to feel. My moment of actual bliss has faded and has faced me with the harsh reality that I can never have. My face is plastered to the glass wall that I constantly stare through towards the other side of what I wish I could have. But people are different and people will be people. Selfish, unreliable and complete liars. The sadness that spreads across my face cannot fade at the moment for anything. I thought for once things could work out and finally be cleared. I guess I thought wrong or I try way too hard. I feel pathetic trying to patch things up with so many people that the attempts are all of a sudden in vain and I feel worthless. My body pushes away from what saddens me so and I lean against the wall, dragging my body down to the floor. An empty space that could be filled. The empty space I called my future hope. It's dusty and nothing has appeared yet. I miss those old people who made me feel like I was worth something. The people or person who mattered a lot. Sobs just tear through me and again the loss feels pathetic. What a big mistake, the biggest mistake of my life. If only feelings didn't have to be so strong. If only there weren't others in my way of my goal. If only people could feel the way I feel now. Then maybe understandings could be crossed.
Too bad it might not happen.

Self-esteem has been brought down upon me and I feel like a mess. I can't help but hunch my shoulders and brace my head against my knees and close my eyes as the tears flow down my cheeks staining my jeans. Emotions are too much for me to handle. I wish there were some way of an escape. Just some way...

I just can't find it out there anymore...
If people weren't so fickle and untrue, then maybe I could find it. But I'm swimming in memories that it's tearing me apart. As much as I want to laugh, I cry instead. And I have to just hold onto what I have left and make the most of it. I don't want to lose anymore and be sad anymore. I want to smile and run across a field full of flowers and laugh holding hands with the people I love. Enjoying every minute of never ending happiness. Falling in love over and over with people I want to love. So much I want and more...
But I can only have a hand-full of what I have been given.

Yet, as I stare up at the stars I think of you and in-vision you. I wish I could see you and tell you about how much I miss you. Or talk about all the things I want to talk about or even listen to what they have to say. I just miss you and I wish you could come back.
But those are all wishes..and wishes might come true. Just might.
So in the meantime...
I'll just go on and keep on thinking of you but there is nothing I could honestly do.