Today didn't seem to start off as a good day as I opened my eyes to see the clock strike 11:26AM, in a hurry and a panic I rushed and threw on whatever clothes my hands grabbed at in my bureau and I rushed out of the house- bag in hand. I never sped to class as fast as I could as I did today. I had a math test starting at 12 noon and I wasn't sure I was going to make it. But sure enough, mildly speeding- still obeying the law I caught every green light and made it to school at exactly 12 noon. I ran up the stairs, swung open the door and saw my professor going over one of the math equations that some student asked about, I assumed. I scanned the room to see if my seat was available, the third row, 5th seat back. No, someone was sitting in my seat, but there was an empty seat available in that same row, that explained why my seat was taken. The girl didn't want to sit in the front today, I assumed. After my professor stopped talking, he instructed that we put everything away (except for a pencil of course & a graphing calculator). He handed me 7 papers that I passed back to the rest of my classmates and stared down at my test and began working.
I rose my head up about an hour and 15 minutes later, I don't remember what I was thinking at this time except for that I didn't think I did one of the problems right but it was a thought that was soon canceled out. I handed my professor my test and he handed me my quiz from the previous day. 3.75% out of 4 questions. I missed .25% on the last question. Professor B. smiled at me and mumbled a "good job". I made my way back to my seat, grabbed my bag and left still staring at my quiz. It seemed that I made a silly error and forgot to carry over the negative sign to my final product. I felt disappointment but then decided it wasn't something I should be down on.
I walked around campus looking for a snack machine since I hadn't eaten that morning due to my rush out the door. I had found a vending machine around the same building that my next class would be in. I settled for some Lays chips and coke. After I got back my 75 cents I walked back to my car, rolled down the windows and ate my snack in silence. I stared at the clock and saw that it was 1:45pm. Class would soon start in 15 minutes, my Psychology class. So I rolled up my windows, turned off my car and got out and locked it. As I started to walk back to class I looked up at the sky and hoped that today would be a good day. And it was.
Once class ended I walked out as confident as I ever was going in. The sun started to shine even though in the far West of the sky the dark rain clouds loomed over. I felt like I wanted to skip to my car but I decided against it. As I sat myself back in my car I left campus and searched for a gas station. Playing The Offspring as loud as I could in my car I sang along. I thought of all the good things that would happen to me if I went ahead with my future plans. I stopped at a red light and texted my Mom, "I was thinking of doing a psychology major and might wanna go for a phd. What do you think?"
I smiled as I thought of it more. The light turned green and I continued to drive.
As I closed in down my street towards my house I noticed that no one was home, that put a damper on my mood, I was so excited to tell my Dad about my new found love for Psychology. I pulled into the drive way, as I opened up my car door I looked up at the sky again hoping that it would rain. I slammed my car door and walked up the steps to the front door, I found my house key on my key chain and unlocked the door. I walked in and a dropped all of my books in my bedroom and went straight to my computer. I decided to start my Psychology assignment on which field of Psychology I would prefer...
xoxo
Domi
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Just take me as I am.
Warning: This post is very long, it took me about an hour to get everything off my chest.
Today was a good day, I guess. I tend to realize so much after I've been so deep in what one would call a "dream".
I did all the things any annoying couple would do; have tickle fights on the couch, garden outside, play basketball in a pool, hold hands, watch TV, bicker a bit, watch a movie on the couch with friends, feed his kitty...
Maybe I do too much, yet I feel like everything I do isn't enough. I am always striving to keep the person I find so important to me above myself and everyone else when I shouldn't...
I did it before last year when I was so determined to have a boy love me, and all I was doing was trying to get them, when they never fought for me. It was like they were giving me up. I don't want to be someone people give up on. Just because you get the girl, doesn't mean that you can chain her to a tree and walk away. I am not your pet to come home to when you are lonely. I am lonely too, and I try to keep you happy, make you want to stay with me and love me in hopes that the feeling will be reciprocated. It is...to an extent. Maybe I'm so deep in the dream that I don't want it all to fade away, I don't want to dream a new dream. I am comfortable where I am and I don't want to re-learn new feelings and try to be comfortable with something new. I don't want something new. I just want to change what I have now to something that's more than what it is.
In the beginning there was so much passion, so much fight, so much want, the thrill of being wanted and loved is what made me fall in love in the first place. The words, the comfort I had, the friend I found who loved me for me I finally had. But as I walked through the door of my desires I felt as though it shouldn't matter if my feelings were being reciprocated. The theory was you give 50% and get 50% back. That's not true, I lived by one rule and one rule only: give 100 and expect nothing. But that has been taking a toll on my heart. I know I have been given so much, but the more I realize it, the dumber I feel. I feel like I've been brain washed into this feeling that I can give, give and give yet he gives the same when clearly it's not. I do so much, but I am not rewarded for it. It's just another day, a normal day, where I come to see him. I am the one trying to keep the relationship alive by doing new things together. Taking him to lunch, or to the spa, or having surprise picnics in a park. I feel like we do the same things all the time and I do so much that I neglect my family. I come home usually at 12am or 1am... kiss them goodnight and then wake up the next morning and head on over to see Matt.
When I come home I'm in la la land, and then I don't want to be home because I feel like the people around me don't like me as much, so I go running back to Matt and I can never stand on my own two feet.
I hate trying to convince myself that nothing is wrong in this relationship, nothing is. I just am never getting what I give back. It has nothing to do with money, it just has to do with how much you love me, you'd show me.
Love letters and flowers you picked out of your garden is fine with me, cookies you baked last night is all I need. Because I know you love me.
Or I think you do.
I've been told that you love me the way you tell me, but it's always a "when are you coming over to see me?" I try, I really do. I call you all the time, I text you all the time. I'm just not remembered throughout your day, yet you tell me you thought of me. I would love to be recognized of my existence throughout my day, it makes me happy to have those little reminders that you love me. Yet, you wait for me to call because that's all I do. And while you wait, I am waiting as well. Yet I am the one who caves and calls you because I am the one who is so attached, I miss you.
I must be terrible, I must be punished because I am doing these things all backwards. Because I am the one doing the things that a boyfriend should be doing to ME!
Documenting the memories, surprising me with the things I love, giving me what I love dear...surprise visits at night to watch a movie, making plans to see me, never minding the trip, not complaining to me about how you waste gas to see me because it is never a WASTE to see the girl you love.
There are so many boys who talk to me, pursue me, fight for me, and I push them all away because I am talking and pursuing and fighting for a boy who tells me he loves me. Now that I see the whole picture and remember the words that were said, Matt once told me that he doesn't or shouldn't fight for me because I should know where my heart is at. It's upsetting but then he tries to convince me that that's the way it should be. So I feel stupid that I even thought about it in the first place. Yet he gets so jealous when a boy talks to me and compliments me on how nice I am or how pretty I am.
And even as I type this, I am realizing that Matt does all those things for me but when you look at it Matt gives his 50% but I give my 110% in it.
Nothing is ever divided when it comes to me, it is never a "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" deal. I never mind if I do something with nothing in return. It never bothered me until I noticed it, I am warring with myself if I should just go back to the way things were and not voice it. But I am settling for just having this blog and to vent my feelings to. I don't want to start trouble in my relationship because in the end I'll just be blamed and then I'll feel bad for thinking of these "stupid" things. But what can I do? There is no one that has ever made me feel like I was special...well, just one person did.
There I go again, rethinking this whole thing over one hour later.
The normal love;
The normal games that we play that makes me laugh so hard that I can hardly breathe after wards because it was just that much fun;;
xoxo,
domi
Today was a good day, I guess. I tend to realize so much after I've been so deep in what one would call a "dream".
I did all the things any annoying couple would do; have tickle fights on the couch, garden outside, play basketball in a pool, hold hands, watch TV, bicker a bit, watch a movie on the couch with friends, feed his kitty...
Maybe I do too much, yet I feel like everything I do isn't enough. I am always striving to keep the person I find so important to me above myself and everyone else when I shouldn't...
I did it before last year when I was so determined to have a boy love me, and all I was doing was trying to get them, when they never fought for me. It was like they were giving me up. I don't want to be someone people give up on. Just because you get the girl, doesn't mean that you can chain her to a tree and walk away. I am not your pet to come home to when you are lonely. I am lonely too, and I try to keep you happy, make you want to stay with me and love me in hopes that the feeling will be reciprocated. It is...to an extent. Maybe I'm so deep in the dream that I don't want it all to fade away, I don't want to dream a new dream. I am comfortable where I am and I don't want to re-learn new feelings and try to be comfortable with something new. I don't want something new. I just want to change what I have now to something that's more than what it is.
In the beginning there was so much passion, so much fight, so much want, the thrill of being wanted and loved is what made me fall in love in the first place. The words, the comfort I had, the friend I found who loved me for me I finally had. But as I walked through the door of my desires I felt as though it shouldn't matter if my feelings were being reciprocated. The theory was you give 50% and get 50% back. That's not true, I lived by one rule and one rule only: give 100 and expect nothing. But that has been taking a toll on my heart. I know I have been given so much, but the more I realize it, the dumber I feel. I feel like I've been brain washed into this feeling that I can give, give and give yet he gives the same when clearly it's not. I do so much, but I am not rewarded for it. It's just another day, a normal day, where I come to see him. I am the one trying to keep the relationship alive by doing new things together. Taking him to lunch, or to the spa, or having surprise picnics in a park. I feel like we do the same things all the time and I do so much that I neglect my family. I come home usually at 12am or 1am... kiss them goodnight and then wake up the next morning and head on over to see Matt.
When I come home I'm in la la land, and then I don't want to be home because I feel like the people around me don't like me as much, so I go running back to Matt and I can never stand on my own two feet.
I hate trying to convince myself that nothing is wrong in this relationship, nothing is. I just am never getting what I give back. It has nothing to do with money, it just has to do with how much you love me, you'd show me.
Love letters and flowers you picked out of your garden is fine with me, cookies you baked last night is all I need. Because I know you love me.
Or I think you do.
I've been told that you love me the way you tell me, but it's always a "when are you coming over to see me?" I try, I really do. I call you all the time, I text you all the time. I'm just not remembered throughout your day, yet you tell me you thought of me. I would love to be recognized of my existence throughout my day, it makes me happy to have those little reminders that you love me. Yet, you wait for me to call because that's all I do. And while you wait, I am waiting as well. Yet I am the one who caves and calls you because I am the one who is so attached, I miss you.
I must be terrible, I must be punished because I am doing these things all backwards. Because I am the one doing the things that a boyfriend should be doing to ME!
Documenting the memories, surprising me with the things I love, giving me what I love dear...surprise visits at night to watch a movie, making plans to see me, never minding the trip, not complaining to me about how you waste gas to see me because it is never a WASTE to see the girl you love.
There are so many boys who talk to me, pursue me, fight for me, and I push them all away because I am talking and pursuing and fighting for a boy who tells me he loves me. Now that I see the whole picture and remember the words that were said, Matt once told me that he doesn't or shouldn't fight for me because I should know where my heart is at. It's upsetting but then he tries to convince me that that's the way it should be. So I feel stupid that I even thought about it in the first place. Yet he gets so jealous when a boy talks to me and compliments me on how nice I am or how pretty I am.
And even as I type this, I am realizing that Matt does all those things for me but when you look at it Matt gives his 50% but I give my 110% in it.
Nothing is ever divided when it comes to me, it is never a "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" deal. I never mind if I do something with nothing in return. It never bothered me until I noticed it, I am warring with myself if I should just go back to the way things were and not voice it. But I am settling for just having this blog and to vent my feelings to. I don't want to start trouble in my relationship because in the end I'll just be blamed and then I'll feel bad for thinking of these "stupid" things. But what can I do? There is no one that has ever made me feel like I was special...well, just one person did.
There I go again, rethinking this whole thing over one hour later.
The normal love;
The normal games that we play that makes me laugh so hard that I can hardly breathe after wards because it was just that much fun;;
xoxo,
domi
Friday, May 1, 2009
Tearing at wounds.
There is always so much happiness on the outside in a world where it seems that no one cares...
But deep inside the soul of the human heart we feel emotion we can never express...words can't even describe the feeling deep in my heart. Only the looks I give and the way I can show it through body language can describe it...
I feel so sad for those who cry in their way to find an escape, or even the ones who get angry because they can't find the tears...
I feel like I'm tearing at a healing wound, yet my wound is too great. I hold too many things so dear to me and I feel like I shouldn't even do such a thing. I always get hurt in one way or another and then the scar links to other pains in my heart.
I just don't even want to talk about it right now.
I just hate how things never come to me and that life has to be so hard for me.
Yes I am feeling sorry for myself.
But deep inside the soul of the human heart we feel emotion we can never express...words can't even describe the feeling deep in my heart. Only the looks I give and the way I can show it through body language can describe it...
I feel so sad for those who cry in their way to find an escape, or even the ones who get angry because they can't find the tears...
I feel like I'm tearing at a healing wound, yet my wound is too great. I hold too many things so dear to me and I feel like I shouldn't even do such a thing. I always get hurt in one way or another and then the scar links to other pains in my heart.
I just don't even want to talk about it right now.
I just hate how things never come to me and that life has to be so hard for me.
Yes I am feeling sorry for myself.
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