Oh please, help me get what I want, but I don't know what I want.

I think I should keep my mouth shut before it tears me apart on the inside or for the fact that I may get into trouble with those who always question how I feel.
But...I can't help it and I have free will to express how I feel. Especially when I am frustrated beyond belief that I even surprise myself with the fact that I at least recognize it and try to change my behavioral pattern. Attempting some self control to something- maybe someone, actually...someone rather addicting, takes a lot of strength.
In a very unusual way he makes me feel like everything and worthless,
all at once.
We are the same, and it's like looking at myself every time we are together. I think to myself, 'Is this how I make others feel when I am near? When they get wrapped up in my warmth, is this the reason why they always want more of me..?'
I at least now understand more than I did yesterday.

I haven't cried in days, maybe a week or two so far and I felt very content with being happy. But the happiness can't always stay, the same way that the sun won't shine forever. So, when the sunshine goes away, the sadness will linger around to stay.
I know I say I surprise myself all the time, but it's the truth, I always end up surprising myself.
Tears welled up in my eyes, at first I was shocked that these feelings could possibly be so overwhelming that it compelled me to feel this way, and second, I immediately stopped and realized that I was stupid.
I have a bad habit of getting wrapped up into something that makes me feel good and happy that I never want it to end. I get selfish and I seek more, more than I may need. I should be happy for what I've got. Then again, like a child...I cry because I can never get what I want. How silly of me to feel the way I feel. I just wished that they could see that that is how I feel. But, I know how to turn around my feelings and be like how I was before.
It's all a game to them and you have to play by the rules to win the game. Never let your guard down because in the end you will only have yourself.
Emotions play a fickle role in this game.
They could either be in your favor or abandon you completely.
And I will not let anyone see me fall as they have all done so in the past.

But I am a loving creature, and for a fact I know that what I say about never letting anyone win won't last very long. Because I will adore and adore until I get pushed back down. Until someone gives me a reason why they hate me and don't want me around.
I stay like a good puppy, till I am wished away.

xoxo,

domi