Left alone.

Another moment, another smile, another let down, another pick-up, another I'll-do-anything-for-you-because-your-family-is-having-a-tragic-situation. Am I that insignificant, to the fact that I am beat out by a TV show or a game? I just feel like I'm sitting on the floor, in my room, waiting and waiting, the tears fall down my face, the loneliness lingers and I have no where to go. Once I stand up back on my own two legs again I peep through the door crack just to see who is waiting for me...
No one.
So, I go back to my spot of the floor and I sit right back down crossing my legs indian style. Memories replay flashbacks of the happy times in life and I continue to cry as I miss them. It's a good human way to make yourself feel better. Even though the void is so great that it feels so unreal at the moment that you are driving yourself mad.
As I'm wrapped up in my inflamed thoughts, I lay backwards, now with my back on the floor, I stare up at the ceiling. Why do I wait? Why do I wonder? Why is he so good to me when he has time for me? Why do I complain when I don't get the attention I want? Why do I always end up being the bad guy/girl in the end for being needy in my time of need? I don't want to be alone in my thoughts, by myself feeling so distraught. Why can't anyone see that?! I am so selfish though...because all I want is the attention from those who don't have the desire to give it to me at the moment. I try so hard to stand out that I look like a complete moron in the end. Then I came to my own revelation- because he finally got the girl, he figured that no matter how tough the situation gets he can leave me and always come back to me. Kind of like how once you get a dog, you play with it when you want to. Why am I always waiting to be picked up when I am upset? Why am I the one who is told "Sorry baby I am going into this store I'll call you later", when I was the one who said "No baby, it's okay I'll talk to you till you get to your destination" when I'm waiting to go inside my own store?
This drives me insane, and I can't take it anymore. But I can't go anywhere, I am tied by the want and need as well as the loving and longing I get with him.
I don't want to leave, I just want to be treated right, all over, well rounded. No more brainwashing, no more missing and sadness, no more treating me like your puppy who will always be there when you come home. I just want the happiness of you to understand me and understand that I have needs, and when I need my needs that you will provide for me with all of your love because I'd do the same thing for you!
When will men ever understand that if you treat us well, we give it back to you?
Yet, I give him my all no matter what.

I'll just try and apprehend this thought for awhile...

xoxo