I have a bad habit, and I am trying to break it. As vain as I may seem I am a girl who is insecure and needs to be reminded constantly about how pretty I am in order for my confidence to be on the rise. If someone were to get to know me a lot better, even some of my friends know that every time I walk past a reflection of myself I can't help my glance and see how I look. - I've read this in various short stories, most recently, "Where are you going, Where have you been?" where the Main Character, Connie, is a very vain teenager and all she cares about is how she looks and what boys she wants to attract. So she dresses very provocative and tempting when going to a drive-in diner, soon she gets the attention she wants in a very creepy stalker way and soon learns that it is attention she does not want.
That is not what I'm going for, mine is all about confidence. Why do you think I can walk up to someone at work and greet them with a smile on my face? I want to make sure I look flawless so all they can see is the kind greeting and appreciate me rather than what I look like. I still have my imperfections: I get annoyed easily and I have a tendency to talk when others are talking or I talk "over" them. It's rude but for some reason genetically I need to have the last word in order to feel "right". I always ask if I look pretty when I knowingly feel pretty already, I just like to hear it. I bring myself down in order to be raised back up and to hear that I am pretty.
This all boils down to when I was in Elementary school. I was the most unattractive girl in my class and I was constantly made fun of over the years in Middle School. I never thought I'd get a boyfriend or be pretty enough in pictures. I was that girl who never cared for make-up or cared about the way I looked. I just went on my way...
But once I got into High School, I realized it's a whole ballgame of playing Barbie. I realized in order to get noticed I'll have to be "pretty". Yet I never got into that mind set...
The older I got the more I wanted to experiment being a teenager. I tried on the make up, I suddenly loved to go clothes and shoe shopping (I never had before), I wore eyeliner and foundation. Soon I realized that these are all good things to be aware of. After all the hype of being girlie, I found what suit me best. (I used to dress in black and rocked out to rock music) Soon I found a love for pinks and blues and dresses, and it all shaped around my personality and my confidence.
I am still ashamed at the fact that I am so self-centered at times when it comes to my looks, but I try to balance it out with my kindness and my friendliness. I never fake it, it's who I am. But I always feel terrible.
I have all the friends I desire, the boyfriend who loves me, the family that adores me, what more can I ask for?
All I still do is complain about everything because it seems like nothing is ever good enough. Sooner or later I need to realize that everything I have is everything I want. The people and things that have fallen out of my life I will miss, but I can't take it back. I have to get up and move on and be strong and be me.
Without my imperfections and weird personality, it just wouldn't be me. You won't find another girl like me who laughs at everything and has never smoked or done drugs a day in her life. A girl who is "high on life" and comes off so happy all the time and pushes away her worries and never lets people know she is sad in front of them. But behind a computer all she does is cry and wish that the world could see she's broken inside. But only inside...
13/365
I spent a lonely Saturday Afternoon by myself at the beach for a good 20 minutes before I couldn't take it anymore. To my left about a good 400 yards away a wedding ceremony was taking place. All of the girls and guys were gorgeous. Of course the bride as well.
I was blown off by friends again and I am just tired of asking for company. The only company I ever get is by me,myself and I. I can't rely on anyone unless I call them the day before. I do have friends who hang out with me on a whim, but I just hate that part when you look around and they are gone from your sight.
Xoxo,
domi
No comments:
Post a Comment