Life Unscripted.: Just take me as I am.

Warning: This post is very long, it took me about an hour to get everything off my chest.

Today was a good day, I guess. I tend to realize so much after I've been so deep in what one would call a "dream".
I did all the things any annoying couple would do; have tickle fights on the couch, garden outside, play basketball in a pool, hold hands, watch TV, bicker a bit, watch a movie on the couch with friends, feed his kitty...
Maybe I do too much, yet I feel like everything I do isn't enough. I am always striving to keep the person I find so important to me above myself and everyone else when I shouldn't...
I did it before last year when I was so determined to have a boy love me, and all I was doing was trying to get them, when they never fought for me. It was like they were giving me up. I don't want to be someone people give up on. Just because you get the girl, doesn't mean that you can chain her to a tree and walk away. I am not your pet to come home to when you are lonely. I am lonely too, and I try to keep you happy, make you want to stay with me and love me in hopes that the feeling will be reciprocated. It is...to an extent. Maybe I'm so deep in the dream that I don't want it all to fade away, I don't want to dream a new dream. I am comfortable where I am and I don't want to re-learn new feelings and try to be comfortable with something new. I don't want something new. I just want to change what I have now to something that's more than what it is.
In the beginning there was so much passion, so much fight, so much want, the thrill of being wanted and loved is what made me fall in love in the first place. The words, the comfort I had, the friend I found who loved me for me I finally had. But as I walked through the door of my desires I felt as though it shouldn't matter if my feelings were being reciprocated. The theory was you give 50% and get 50% back. That's not true, I lived by one rule and one rule only: give 100 and expect nothing. But that has been taking a toll on my heart. I know I have been given so much, but the more I realize it, the dumber I feel. I feel like I've been brain washed into this feeling that I can give, give and give yet he gives the same when clearly it's not. I do so much, but I am not rewarded for it. It's just another day, a normal day, where I come to see him. I am the one trying to keep the relationship alive by doing new things together. Taking him to lunch, or to the spa, or having surprise picnics in a park. I feel like we do the same things all the time and I do so much that I neglect my family. I come home usually at 12am or 1am... kiss them goodnight and then wake up the next morning and head on over to see Matt.
When I come home I'm in la la land, and then I don't want to be home because I feel like the people around me don't like me as much, so I go running back to Matt and I can never stand on my own two feet.
I hate trying to convince myself that nothing is wrong in this relationship, nothing is. I just am never getting what I give back. It has nothing to do with money, it just has to do with how much you love me, you'd show me.
Love letters and flowers you picked out of your garden is fine with me, cookies you baked last night is all I need. Because I know you love me.
Or I think you do.
I've been told that you love me the way you tell me, but it's always a "when are you coming over to see me?" I try, I really do. I call you all the time, I text you all the time. I'm just not remembered throughout your day, yet you tell me you thought of me. I would love to be recognized of my existence throughout my day, it makes me happy to have those little reminders that you love me. Yet, you wait for me to call because that's all I do. And while you wait, I am waiting as well. Yet I am the one who caves and calls you because I am the one who is so attached, I miss you.

I must be terrible, I must be punished because I am doing these things all backwards. Because I am the one doing the things that a boyfriend should be doing to ME!
Documenting the memories, surprising me with the things I love, giving me what I love dear...surprise visits at night to watch a movie, making plans to see me, never minding the trip, not complaining to me about how you waste gas to see me because it is never a WASTE to see the girl you love.

There are so many boys who talk to me, pursue me, fight for me, and I push them all away because I am talking and pursuing and fighting for a boy who tells me he loves me. Now that I see the whole picture and remember the words that were said, Matt once told me that he doesn't or shouldn't fight for me because I should know where my heart is at. It's upsetting but then he tries to convince me that that's the way it should be. So I feel stupid that I even thought about it in the first place. Yet he gets so jealous when a boy talks to me and compliments me on how nice I am or how pretty I am.
And even as I type this, I am realizing that Matt does all those things for me but when you look at it Matt gives his 50% but I give my 110% in it.
Nothing is ever divided when it comes to me, it is never a "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" deal. I never mind if I do something with nothing in return. It never bothered me until I noticed it, I am warring with myself if I should just go back to the way things were and not voice it. But I am settling for just having this blog and to vent my feelings to. I don't want to start trouble in my relationship because in the end I'll just be blamed and then I'll feel bad for thinking of these "stupid" things. But what can I do? There is no one that has ever made me feel like I was special...well, just one person did.

There I go again, rethinking this whole thing over one hour later.

The normal love;