Yeah...I'll go with that.
I decided to drop my Photography class today and switched it with U.S. History. But before I explain why I must let you know that this was not the reason alone. Yet, by having this event happen to me, I realized that it left a bad taste in my mouth and my photography professor was not the one who could tell me what to do.
The studio we meet in is a small room, my room is bigger than the studio, where there are only about 10 of us sitting around a rectangular table. My professor comes in all disheveled and seems to be uptight and frustrated, she slams the door and turns off the lights. Now, if I may tell you that there are absolutely NO WINDOWS in this room and it was pitch black darkness. I couldn't even see my hands in front of my face, but the instant my brain realized that we were surrounded in nothing but darkness I panicked. I grabbed for my cell phone and pressed the on button just so that a little light could be shown so I could stop my racing heart. "PUT THAT AWAY!" screams my professor and I try to do what she says but my shaking hand can't seem to find a way to make peace with it. She says it again, "I SAID TURN IT OFF!" Immediately out of my fear I say calmly, "I'm sorry, I just afraid of the dark and I can't take it..." but still you could hear the uncertainty in my voice. I still couldn't stop shaking...
"Well, these are the rules of the game and you have to play by them." was the reply. Instantly I knew there was no way I'd get up and walk out of the room in that moment. The next thing I knew Letitia's arms were around me and whispering to me that it was okay. I believed her and I closed my eyes and pretended to "see" light. This fear in me had my heart rate sky rocket and my legs were shaking- I didn't even know that myself! It was about a long excruciating 5 minutes when she turned the light on and I was still in a panicking situation. I tried to compose myself with what best poker face I could put on, but with no success I just cowardly put my head down.
When class was over about 2 hours later, I left with a "bad taste" in my mouth. It wasn't because I was stuck in the dark for no more than 5-10 minutes. It was the fact that the trust I had for a teacher like her broke in half. I care yet I don't care that I had to face my fear, but the way she yelled at me was uncalled for. I felt like I was making a deal with the devil...
When I got to my car I called Matt and I told him how I felt about my situation, I really don't want to be dragged into my fear just to do something I love. But after much consideration I realized that film photography wasn't my forte. I only like digital photography, and I can use film cameras anytime and develop them too! Because Matt's dad knows how to develop film!
So, besides those facts, that class demanded high end materials that were way too expensive that I can't ask my parents to buy for me.
Although I was quite torn when I dropped the class, I felt like it was better for me this way.
I am just not quite ready to face my fears yet...
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